O\3 


DUTY  AND  OTHER  IRISH  COMEDIES 


FROM  THE  DRY  POINT    STUDY  BY  P.  G-RASSBY 


DUTY 


AND   OTHER   IRISH   COMEDIES 


BY 


SEUMAS  O'BRIEN 


BOSTON 

LITTLE,  BROWN,  AND  COMPANY 

1916 


Copyright,  1916, 
BY  LITTLE,  BROWN,  AND  COMPANY. 


All  rights  reserved 
Published,  September,  1916 


These  plays  are  fully  protected  by  the  copyright  law,  all  requirements  of 
which  have  been  complied  with.  In  their  present  printed  form  they  are 
dedicated  to  the  reading  public  only,  and  no  performance  of  them,  either 
professional  or  amateur,  may  be  given  without  the  written  permission  of  the 
owner  of  the  acting  rights,  who  may  be  addressed  in  care  of  the  publishers, 
Little,  Brown,  and  Company. 


SET    UP    AND  ELECTROTYPED  BY  THE  PLIMPTON  PRESS,  NORWOOD,  MASS.,  U.S.A. 
PRINTED  BY  S.  J.  PARKHILL  &  CO.,  BOSTON,  MASS.,  U.S.A. 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

DUTY 1 

JURISPRUDENCE 37 

MAGNANIMITY 65 

MATCHMAKERS 97 

RETRIBUTION  


5  2  1*27  5 


DUTY 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


CHARACTERS 

HEAD  CONSTABLE  MULLIGAN  . .  A  Member  of  the  Royal 

Irish  Constabulary 

SERGEANT  DOOLEY A  Member  of  the  R.  I.  C. 

CONSTABLE  HUGGINS A  Member  of  the  R.  I.  C. 

Micus  GOGGIN 

PADNA  SWEENEY 

MRS.  ELLEN  COTTER A  public-house  keeper 


DUTY  was  produced  for  the  first  time  at  the  Abbey 
Theatre,  Dublin,  December  17,  1913,  with  the  following 
cast: 

Head  Constable  Mulligan,  R.I.C.  ARTHUR  SINCLAIR 

Sergeant  Dooley,  R.I.  C FRED  O'DONOVAN 

Constable  Huggins,  R.  I.  C.    .    .    .  SYDNEY  J.  MORGAN 

Micus  Goggin J.  M.  KERRIGAN 

Padna  Sweeney J.  A.  O'ROURKE 

Mrs.  Ellen  Cotter    .  UNA  O'CONNOR 


DUTY 

Back  kitchen  of  a  country  public  house.  Micus  and 
Padna  seated  at  a  table  drinking  from  pewter  pints.  Mrs. 
Cotter  enters  in  response  to  a  call. 

PADNA  (pointing  to  pint  measures) 

Fill  'em  again,  ma'am,  please. 
MRS.  COTTER  (taking  pints,  and  wiping  table) 

Fill  'em  again,  is  it?     Indeed  I  won't  do  any  such 

thing. 
MICUS 

Indeed  you  will,  Mrs.  Cotter. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Don't  you  know  that  'tis  Sunday  night,  an'  that  the 

police  might  call  any  minute? 
MICUS  (disdainfully) 

The  police! 
PADNA 

Bad  luck  to  them! 
MICUS 

Amen! 

MRS.    COTTER 

This  will  be  the  last  drink  that  any  one  will  get  in 

this  house  to-night. 

[Exit. 

MICUS 

'Tis  a  nice  state  of  affairs  to  think  that  dacent  men, 
after  a  hard  week's  work,  can't  have  a  drink  in  pace 
and  quietness  in  the  town  they  were  born  and  reared 

5 


DUTY 


in,  without  bein'  scared  out  o'  their  senses  by  the 

police  ! 
PADNA 

Tis  the  hell  of  a  thing,  entirely!     I  don't  see  what's 

gained  be  closin'  the  pubs  at  all,  unless  it  be  to  give 

the  police  somethin'  to  do. 
MICUS 

The  overfed  and  undertaught  bla'gards! 

PADNA 

As  far  as  I  can  see,  there's  as  much  drink  sold  as  if 
the  pubs  were  never  closed. 

MICUS 

There  is,  an'  more;  for  if  it  wasn't  forbidden  to  drink 
porter,  it  might  be  thought  as  little  about  as  water. 

PADNA 

I  don't  believe  that,  Micus.    Did  you  ever  hear  of  a 
pint  or  even  a  gallon  of  water  makin'  any  one  feel 
like  Napoleon? 
^Mrs.  Cotter  enters  and  places  drinks  on  table. 

PADNA  (handing  money) 
There  ye  are,  ma'am. 

MRS.  COTTER  (takes  money) 

Hurry  now  like  good  boys,  for  forty  shillin's  is  a  lot 
to  pay  for  a  pint  o'  porter,  an'  that's  what  'twill  cost 
ye  if  the  police  comes  in  an'  finds  ye  here.  An'  I'll 
lose  me  license  into  the  bargain. 


MICUS 

One  would  think  be  the  way  the  police  are  talked 
about  that  they  had  charge  of  the  whole  Universe! 

PADNA 

An'  who  else  has  charge  of  it  but  themselves  an'  the 
magistrates,  or  justices  o'  the  pace,  as  they're  called? 


DUTY 


MICUS 

They're  worse  than  the  police. 
PADNA 

They're  as  bad  anyway,  an'  that's  bad  enough. 
MICUS  (scornfully) 

Justices  o'  the  pace! 
PADNA 

Micus ! 
MICUS 

What? 
PADNA  (thoughtfully) 

There's  no  justice  in  the  world. 
MICUS 

Damn  the  bit!  Sure  'tisn't  porter  we  should  be  drinkin' 

a  cold  night  like  this ! 
PADNA  (as  he  sips  from  pint) 

'Tis  well  to  have  it  these  times. 
MICUS 

The  world  is  goin'  to  the  dogs,  I'm  afraid. 

PADNA 

'Tisn't  goin'  at  all,  but  gone. 
MICUS 

An'  nobody  seems  to  care. 

PADNA 

Some  pretend  they  do,  like  the  preachers,  but  they're 
paid  for  it.    I  do  be  often  wonderin'  after  readin'  the 
newspapers   if   God   has   forgotten   about   the   world 
altogether. 
MICUS 

I  wouldn't  be  surprised,  for  nothin'  seems  to  be  right. 
There's  the  police,  for  instance.  They  can  do  what 
they  like,  an'  we  must  do  what  we're  told,  like  childer. 


8  DUTY 


PADNA 

Isn't  the  world  a  star,  Micus? 
MICUS  (with  pint  to  his  mouth) 

Of  course  it  is. 
PADNA 

Then  it  must  be  the  way  that  it  got  lost  among  all 

the  other  stars  one  sees  on  a  frosty  night. 
MICUS 

Are  there  min  in  the  other  stars  too? 
PADNA 

So  I  believe. 
MICUS 

That's  queer. 
PADNA 

Sure,  everythin'  is  queer. 
MICUS 

If  the  min  in  the  other  stars  are  like  the  peelers,  there 

won't  be  much  room  in  Hell  after  the  good  are  taken 

to  Heaven  on  the  last  day. 
PADNA 

The  last  day!  I  don't  like  to  think  about  the  last  day. 
MICUS 

Why  so? 

PADNA 

Well,  'tis  terrible  to  think  that  we  might  be  taken  to 
Heaven,  (pauses)  an'  our  parents  an'  childer  might 
be  sent  (points  towards  the  floor)  with  the  Protestants. 

MICUS 

If  the  Protestants  will  be  as  well  treated  in  the  next 
world  as  they  are  in  this,  I  wouldn't  mind  goin'  with 
'em  meself . 

PADNA 

I  wouldn't  like  to  be  a  Protestant  after  I'm  dead,  Micus. 


DUTY  9 


MICUS  (knocks  with  his  pint  on  the  table  and  Mrs.  Cot 
ter  enters;    he  points  to  pints) 
The  same  again,  Mrs.  Cotter. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Indeed,  ye  won't  get  another  drop. 
MICUS 

This  will  be  our  last,  ma'am.     Don't  be  hard  on  us. 

'Tis  only  a  night  of  our  lives,  an'  we'll  be  all  dead 

one  day. 
MRS.  COTTER   (as  she  leaves  the  room   with   measures    in 

hand) 

Ye  ought  to  be  ashamed  o'  yerselves  to  be  seen  in 

a  public  house  a  night  like  this. 
MICUS 

We're  ashamed  o'  nothin,'  ma'am.     We're  only  our 
selves  an'  care  for  nobody. 
MRS.  COTTER  (turning  round) 

Well,  this  is  the  very  last  drink  ye'll  get  then. 

lExit. 

PADNA 

Women  are  all  alike. 
MICUS 

They  are,  God  forgive  them. 
PADNA 

They  must  keep  talkin'. 
MICUS 

An'  'tis  only  a  fool  that  'ud  try  to  prevent  'em. 
MRS.  COTTER   (entering  and   placing    measures    on    table) 

Hurry  up,  now,  an'  don't  have  me  at  the  next  Petty 

Sessions. 

[Exit. 
MICUS  (after  testing  drink) 

Nothin'  like  a  good  pint  o'  "Dundon's." 


10  DUTY 


PADNA 

'Tis  great  stuff. 

MICUS 

May  the  Lord  spare  them  long,  an'  they  buildin' 
houses  for  the  poor  an'  churches  for  God! 

PADNA 

An*  all  out  o*  the  beer  money? 

MICUS 

Of  course.  What  else  could  ye  make  money  at  in  a 
country  like  this? 

PADNA 

'Tis  a  thirsty  climate! 

MICUS 

If  all  those  who  made  money  built  houses  for  the  poor 
an*  gave  employment,  there  'ud  soon  be  no  poor  at  all. 

PADNA 

You're  talkin'  what's  called  socialism  now,  an'  that's 
too  delicate  a  plant,  like  Christianity,  to  thrive  in  a 
planet  like  this.  So  I  heard  one  o'  them  preacher 
chaps  sayin'  the  other  evenin'. 

MICUS 

Well,  be  all  accounts,  we're  no  better  off  than  those 
who  heard  St.  Peter  himself  preachin'.  The  poor  still 
only  get  the  promise  of  Heaven  from  the  clergy. 

PADNA 

That's  all  they'll  ever  get. 
MICUS 

The  world  must  surely  be  lost,  Padna. 
PADNA 

Nothin'  surer! 
MICUS 

If  God  ever  goes  rummagin'  among  the  stars  an'  finds 

it  again,  there'll  be  bad  work,  I'm  thinkin'. 


DUTY  11 


PADNA 

I  wonder  will  it  be  a  great  fire  or  another  flood? 
MICUS 

Tis  hard  to  tell! 

[A  loud  knocking  is  heard  at  the  door. 
MRS.  COTTER  (from  the  shop) 

Who's  there? 

VOICE 

Police. 

PADNA 

May  ye  freeze  there! 
MICUS 

Or  trip  over  the  threshold  and  break  ye'r  neck! 
MRS.  COTTER  (rushing  into  kitchen) 

Quick!    quick!    quick!    (Points  to  a  door)    This  way, 

boys ! 

[Micus  and  Padna  enter  a  small  room  off  the  kitchen. 

Mrs.  Cotter  locks  the  door  and  opens  the  street  door  for 

the  policeman,  the  knocking  getting  louder  meanwhile. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Wait  a  minit!   Wait  a  minit!   I'm  comin',  I'm  comin'. 
[Opens  door.    Enter  Head  Constable  Mulligan,  R.  I.  C. 
HEAD 

You  took  a  long  time  to  open  the  door,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  know  I  did,  but  it  wasn't  me  fault,  Head.     I  had 
the  house  locked  up  for  the  night,  an'  couldn't  find 
where  I  left  the  kay. 
HEAD 

'Tis  all  right,  ma'am.  I  can  lose  things  meself .  (Looks 
carefully  around)  'Tis  a  lonesome  thing  to  see  the 
house  so  empty. 


DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  Sunday  night,  Head. 

HEAD 

Of  course,  of  course!  All  the  same  I'd  prefer  to  see  it 
full  —  of  bona-fide  travellers,  I  mean. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Thank    ye,    Head.      How's    Mrs.    Mulligan    an'  the 
childer? 
HEAD 

Wisha,  purty  fair.    How's  the  world  usin'  yourself? 

MRS.    COTTER 

Only  for  the  rheumatics  I'd  have  no  cause  to  grumble. 
HEAD 

'Tis  well  to  be  alive  at  all  these  times.  An'  Bally- 
ferris  isn't  the  best  place  to  keep  any  one  alive  in 
winter  time. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Or  summer  time  ayther.     Whin  the  weather  is  good 
trade  is  bad. 
HEAD 

That's  always  the  way  in  this  world.  We're  no  sooner 
out  o'  one  trouble  before  another  commences.  I  al 
ways  admire  the  way  you  bear  your  troubles,  though, 
Mrs.  Cotter. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  does  me  best,  Head. 

HEAD 

Just  like  meself !  Just  like  meself !  The  Government 
makes  laws  an'  I  must  see  that  they're  not  broken. 
(Rubbing  his  hands  together)  'Tis  a  cold  night,  an'  no 
doubt  about  it. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Bad  weather  is  due  to  us  now. 


DUTY  13 


HEAD 

Everythin'  bad  is  due  to  some  of  us.  Only  for  that 
shark  of  an  Inspector  'tis  little  trouble  I'd  be  givin' 
a  dacent  woman  like  yourself  a  night  like  this. 

MRS.    COTTER 

He's  very  strict,  I  hear. 
HEAD 

He's  strict,  disagreeable,  a  Protestant,  a  teetotaler, 
an'  a  Cromwellian  to  boot! 

MRS.    COTTER 

The  Lord  protect  us!  'Tis  a  wonder  you're  alive  at 
all! 

HEAD 

Wisha,  I'm  only  half  alive.  The  cold  never  agrees 
with  me.  (Looking  at  fire)  That's  not  a  very  dan 
gerous  fire,  an'  I'm  as  cold  as  a  snowball. 

MRS.  COTTER  (with  her  back  to  the  door  behind  which 
Padna  and  Micus  are  hiding)  There's  a  fine  fire  up 
stairs  in  the  sittin'-room. 

HEAD  (draws  a  chair  and  sits  down) 
Thank  ye,  ma'am,  but  'tisn't  worth  me  while  goin* 
up-stairs.    As  I  said  before,  I  wouldn't  trouble  you  at 
all  only  for  the  Inspector,  an'  like  Nelson,  he  expects 
every  one  to  do  their  duty. 

MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  a  hard  world. 

HEAD 

An'  a  cold  world  too.  I  often  feels  cold  on  a  summer 
day. 

MRS.    COTTER 

That's  too  bad!    Is  there  no  cure  for  it? 

HEAD 

They  say  there's  a  cure  for  everything. 


14  DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

I  wonder  if  ye  took  a  drop  o'  "Wise's"  ten-year-old! 
It  might  help  to  warm  ye,  if  ye  sat  be  the  fire  up-stairs. 
HEAD  (brightening  up) 

Now,  'pon  me  word,  but  that's  strange!  I  was  just 
thinkin'  o'  the  same  thing  meself.  That's  what's 
called  telepattery  or  thought  transference. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Telia  —  what,  Head? 
HEAD  (with  confidence) 

Telepattery,  ma'am.  'Tis  like  this:  I  might  be  in 
America  — 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  wish  you  were  — 
HEAD  (with  a  look  of  surprise) 
What's  that,  ma'am? 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  wish  for  your  own  sake  that  you  were  in  a  country 
where  you  would  get  better  paid  for  your  work. 
HEAD  (satisfied) 

Thank  ye,  ma'am.  I  suppose  min  like  meself  must 
wait  till  we  go  to  the  other  world  to  get  our  reward. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Very  likely! 

HEAD 

Well,  as  I  was  sayin',  I  might  be  in  America,  or  New 
York,  Boston,  Chicago,  or  any  o'  thim  foreign  places, 
an'  you  might  be  in  this  very  house,  or  up  in  your 
sister's  house,  or  takin'  a  walk  down  the  town,  an* 
I'd  think  o'  some  thought,  an'  at  that  very  second 
you'd  think  o'  the  same  thought,  an'  nayther  of  us 
would  know  that  we  were  both  thinkin'  o'  the  same 
thing.  That's  tellepattery,  ma'am. 


DUTY  15 


MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  a  surprisin'  thing,  surely !  Is  it  hot  or  cold  you'll 
have  the  whiskey,  Head? 

HEAD 

Cold,  if  ye  please. 

\_Exit  Mrs.  Cotter.     While  she  is  away,  he  walks  up 

and   down   whistling   some   popular   air.     Enter   Mrs. 

Cotter. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Will  I  bring  it  up-stairs  for  you? 

HEAD 

Indeed,  I'm  givin'  you  too  much  trouble  as  it  is.  I'll 
try  an'  take  it  where  I  am.  (Takes  glass  and  tastes) 
That  is  good  stuff. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I'm  glad  you  like  it. 

HEAD 

Who  wouldn't  like  it? 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  don't  know  the  taste  of  it. 
HEAD  (as  he  finishes  contents  of  glass) 

May  ye  be  always  so,  though  there's  nothin'  like  it 

all  the  same.     (Handing  coin)     I  think  I'll  have   a 

little  drop  from  meself  this  time. 
MRS.  COTTER  (as  she  takes  the  money) 

Will  I  bring  it  up-stairs? 
HEAD 

Erra,  don't  bother!    I'm  beginnin'  to  feel  meself  again. 

[Fills  his  pipe  until  she  returns. 
MRS.  COTTER  (entering  and  handing  drink) 

Did  you  bring  your  overcoat  with  you,  Head? 
HEAD 

Why  so,  ma'am? 


16  DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

Because  the  cold  o'  the  rain  is  there.     I  wouldn't 
make   any   delay   but   go   home   immediately.      You 
might  get  a  wettin'. 
HEAD  (feeling  his  tunic) 

This  wouldn't  leave  in  a  drop  o*  rain  in  a  hundred 
years,  ma'am. 
[Knock  at  door. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Who's  there? 

VOICE 

Police! 

HEAD 

Police,  did  I  hear? 

MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  the  Sergeant's  voice. 

HEAD 

Glory  to  be  God!  I'm  ruined!  If  he  finds  the  smell  o* 
whiskey  from  me,  he'll  tell  the  Inspector,  an'  then 
Head  Constable  Mulligan  is  no  more! 

MRS.    COTTER 

Is  he  as  bad  as  that? 

HEAD 

He  has  no  conscience  at  all.  He's  a  friend  o'  the 
Inspector's.  (Knocking  continues  at  door)  Don't  open 
that  door  till  I  tell  you  —  that's  if  you  don't  want  to 
find  a  corpse  on  the  floor. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Sure,  I  must  open  the  door. 

HEAD 

Time  enough.  He's  paid  for  waitin'.  Have  you  such 
a  thing  as  an  onion  in  the  house? 


DUTY  17 


MRS.    COTTER 

I  didn't  see  an  onion  for  the  last  three  weeks. 
HEAD  (scratching  his  head) 

What  the  blazes  will  I  do?   (Looking  towards  coal  hole) 
Whist!     I'm  saved.     I'll  go  in  here  until  he's  gone. 
(Goes  in  and  puts  out  his  head)    You  can  open  now, 
but  get  rid  of  him  as  soon  as  you  can. 
[Exit  Mrs.  Cotter.    Enter  the  Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

So  you  opened  at  last.    Well,  better  late  than  never! 

MRS.    COTTER 

I'm  sorry  for  keepin'  you  waitin',  Sergeant.  I  don't 
open  the  door  for  any  one  on  Sunday  nights,  an'  whin 
you  said  "Police,"  I  thought  it  was  one  o'  the  boys 
tryin'  to  desaive  me. 

SERGEANT 

I  see!  I  see!  There's  a  lot  o'  desaitful  people  in  the 
town,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

There  are,  Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

There  are  indeed.  (Coughs)  I'm  sick  an5  tired  o'  the 
place  altogether. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  thought  it  agreed  with  you.  You're  lookin'  very 
well,  anyway. 

SERGEANT 

I'm  not  feelin'  well  at  all  thin.  (Coughs)  There's 
nothin'  more  deceptive  than  looks  at  times.  (Coughs) 

MRS.    COTTER 

True. 

SERGEANT 

'Tis  in  me  bed  I  should  be  instead  of  troublin'  dacent 


18  DUTY 


people  like  yourself  a  night  like  this.  (Coughs)  But 
duty  is  duty,  an'  it  must  be  done.  If  I  didn't  do 
what  I'm  told,  that  bla'gard  of  a  Head  Constable 
would  soon  have  another  an'  maybe  a  worse  man  in 
my  place. 

MRS.    COTTER 

The  Lord  save  us! 

SERGEANT 

But  as  herself  says :  There's  no  use  in  the  Government 
makin'  laws  if  the  people  don't  keep  them. 

MRS.    COTTER 

That's  so. 

SERGEANT 

Keepin'  the  world  in  order  is  no  aisy  business,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  a  great  responsibility. 

SERGEANT  (drawing  a  chair  to  the  fire  and  sitting  down) 
Ton  me  word  I'm  tired  an'  cold  too. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Wouldn't  ye  go  home  and  go  to  bed,  Sergeant? 

SERGEANT 

If  I  went  to  bed  at  this  hour,  the  Head  would  send  a 
report  to  his  chum  the  Inspector,  statin'  that  I  was 
drunk.  (Coughs) 

MRS.    COTTER 

That's  a  bad  cough.    How  long  is  it  troublin'  ye? 

SERGEANT 

Only  since  supper  time.  I  was  eatin'  a  bit  o'  cold 
meat,  an'  a  bone  or  somethin'  stuck  there.  (Points  at 
his  throat) 

MRS.    COTTER 

An'  what  did  ye  do  for  it? 


DUTY  19 


SERGEANT 

What  could  I  do  for  it? 

MRS.    COTTER 

Ye  could  take  a  drink  o'  somethin'  an'  wash  it  down. 

SERGEANT 

I  tried  some  cold  tea.     (Coughs) 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  wonder  would  a  bottle  of  stout  do  any  good. 

SERGEANT 

'Twould  be  no  harm  to  try. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Will  ye  have  a  bottle? 

SERGEANT 

To  tell  ye  the  truth,  I  don't  like  bein'  disobligin', 
ma'am.  (Coughs) 

[Exit  Mrs.  Cotter.     While  she  is  away,  he  walks  up 
and  down,  whistling  the  while. 
MRS.  COTTER  (at  door) 

Ye  might  as  well  come  up-stairs,  Sergeant.  There's  a 
fine  fire  in  the  sitting-room. 

SERGEANT 

I'm  first  rate  where  I  am.  Thank  you  all  the  same. 
[Takes  stout  and  finishes  it  without  withdrawing  it  from 
his  mouth.  Coughs. 

MRS.    COTTER 

How  do  you  feel  now? 

SERGEANT  (wiping  his  mouth  with  a  large  old  handker 
chief)  'Tis  gone!  I  mean  the  bone.  I  feel  meself 
again. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I'm  glad  of  that.  (Looking  at  clock)  'Tis  gone  half- 
past  ten,  Sergeant. 


20  DUTY 


SERGEANT 

Plenty  o'  time.  We'll  be  a  long  time  dead,  an*  happy 
I  hope. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Amen! 

SERGEANT 

'Tis  my  belief  that  we  should  all  try  to  do  good  while 
we're  alive. 

MRS.    COTTER 

There's  a  lot  o'  good  people  in  the  world,  Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

There  is,  ma'am,  but  nearly  every  one  o'  them  thinks 
that  they're  better  than  what  they  are.  That's  what 
annoys  me. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Sure  'tis  imagination  that  keeps  the  world  movin'. 

SERGEANT 

Yes,  an'  ambition.  All  the  same,  'tis  a  good  job  that 
people  can't  see  themselves  as  they  really  are. 

MRS.    COTTER 

They  wouldn't  believe  that  they  were  themselves  if 
they  could. 

SERGEANT 

I  suppose  not. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Won't  ye  come  up  to  the  fire  in  the  sittin'-room? 

SERGEANT 

Don't  be  worryin'  about  me.  I'm  all  right.  That  was 
good  stout. 

MRS.    COTTER 

The  best! 

SERGEANT 

JTis  a  cure  for  nearly  every  thin'.    Only  for  takin'  a 


DUTY 


little  now  an*  again,  I'd  never  be  able  to  stand  all  the 
hardships  o'  me  profession. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Hard  work  isn't  easy. 

SERGEANT 

True!  But  a  good  drop  o'  stout,  or  better  still  "spir 
its"  makes  many  things  easy.  'Tis  the  seed  o'  pluck, 
so  to  speak.  I'm  feelin'  just  a  little  queer  about  the 
nerves.  I  think  I'll  have  a  drop  o'  "Wise's." 
[Exit  Mrs.  Cotter.  While  she  is  away  he  fills  his  pipe. 
MRS.  COTTER  (entering  with  drink) 

That's  like  the  noise  of  a  row  down  the  road. 

SERGEANT 

Erra,  let  'em  row  away!  The  Head  is  prowlin'  about. 
Let  him  separate  'em.  'Tis  about  time  he  did  some- 
thin'  for  his  livin'.  'Tis  a  damn  shame  to  have  the 
poor  rate  payers  supportin'  the  likes  of  him. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  wouldn't  be  talkin'  like  that,  Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

Why  wouldn't  I  talk?  There's  as  many  Head  Con 
stables  as  clergy  in  the  country,  an'  only  for  the  ser 
geants  an'  an  odd  constable  'tis  unknown  what  *ud 
happen ! 

MRS.    COTTER 

The  Head  is  a  dacent  gentleman. 

SERGEANT 

You  don't  know  any  thin'  about  him.    Grumblin'  about 
havin'  to  shave  himself  he  does  be  now,  an'  only  for 
havin'  a  bald  patch  on  one  side  of  his  face,  he'd  let 
his  whiskers  grow  altogether. 
[The  Head  sneezes  in  the  coal  hole. 


DUTY 


SERGEANT 

What  noise  is  that? 
MRS.  COTTER  (startled) 

That's  only  the  cat  in  the  coal  hole. 
SERGEANT  (leaving  his  chair  and  moves  toward  it) 

He  must  be  suffocatin'.    I'll  open  the  door  an'  let 

him  out.     Under  the  grate  he  should  be  a  cold  night 

like  this.     (Opens  the  door  and  sees  the  Head)    Heavens 

be  praised!     'Tis  the  Head  himself! 

£The  Head  comes  out,  arranges  his  cap,  and  is  not  aware 

that  he  has  a  black  spot  on  his  nose. 

HEAD 

'Tis  the  Head  an'  every  inch  an'  ounce  of  him  too 
that  stands  before  ye. 

SERGEANT 

I  thought  'twas  y'er  ghost  I  saw. 
HEAD  (angrily) 

What  the  blazes  would  me  ghost  be  doin'  in  a  coal  hole? 

SERGEANT 

What  I'd  like  to  know  is  what  y'erself  have  been  doin' 
there. 
HEAD 

That  won't  take  me  long  to  tell.    Waitin'  and  watchin' 
to  catch  the  likes  o'  you  is  what  took  me  there. 

SERGEANT 

Now,  Head,  with  all  due  respects,  I'd  try  an'  tell  the 
truth  if  I  were  you. 
HEAD 

Sergeant  Dooley,  sir,  anythin'  you'll  say  or  be  likely 
to  say  '11  be  used  in  evidence  against  you. 

SERGEANT 

An'  anythin'  that  you  say  or  don't  say  may  be  used 
in  evidence  against  you. 


DUTY  23 


HEAD  (enraged) 
Sergeant  Dooley! 

SERGEANT    (coolly) 

Yes,  Head. 

HEAD 

Do  you  know  that  y'er  addressin'  y'er  superior  officer? 

SERGEANT 

The  less  said  about  superiority  the  better. 
HEAD 

You  can't  deny  that  I  found  you  drinkin'  on  these 
licensed  premises  while  on  duty. 

SERGEANT 

I  might  as  well  tell  you  candidly  that  you  have  no 
more  chance  o'  frightenin'  me  or  desaivin'  me  than 
you  have  of  catchin'  whales  in  Casey's  duck-pond. 
HEAD  (passionately) 
I'll  —  I'll  —  I  - 

SERGEANT 

You'll  have  a  drink  from  me,  an'  we'll  say  no  more 
about  the  matter.  I  wouldn't  blame  any  man  for 
takin'  a  drop  a  cold  night  like  this.  I  suppose  'twill 
be  "Wise's"  the  same  as  the  last?  That's  if  me  sense 
o'  smell  isn't  out  of  order. 

HEAD   (crestfallen,   blows  his  breath  on  the  palm   of  his 
hand  and  looks  at  the  Sergeant)     Is  it  as  bad  as  that? 

SERGEANT 

I  smelt  it  the  instant  I  came  in,  an'  wondered  where 
'twas  comin'  from. 

HEAD 

I  only  took  it  to  avoid  catchin'  cold. 

SERGEANT 

Just  like  meself.    We  must  avoid  catchin'  cold  at  any 


24  DUTY 


cost.      (To    Mrs.    Cotter)     Two   glasses   o'    "Wise's," 

ma'am. 

[Exit  Mrs.  Cotter. 
SERGEANT  (to  Head) 

Wait,  an'  I'll  wipe  that  black  spot  off  ye'r  nose. 

[He  does  so.    Enter  Mrs.  Cotter. 
MRS.  COTTER  (handing  drinks) 

The  fire  up-stairs  is  blazing  away,  an'  there's  no  one 

sittin'  by  it. 
HEAD 

We're  all  right.    (Holding  glass)     Here's  long  life  to  us ! 

SERGEANT 

Health  an'  prosperity! 
HEAD  (after  finishing  drink) 

We  must  have  another,  for  I'm  not  feelin'  too  well, 
an'  'tis  better  be  on  the  safe  side.  'Twas  through 
neglect  that  some  o'  the  best  min  died. 

SERGEANT 

We  must  not  forget  that! 
HEAD  (to  Mrs.  Cotter) 

The  same  again,  Mrs.  Cotter. 

[Exit  Mrs.  Cotter  with  glasses. 
HEAD 

I  saw  be  the  papers  last  night  that  the  Royal  Irish 

Constabulary  are  the  finest  in  the  world. 

SERGEANT 

Sure  every  one  knows  that! 

HEAD 

I  wonder  what  kind  are  all  the  others? 

SERGEANT 

That's  what  I'd  like  to  know. 
MRS.  COTTER  (at  door) 

Will  I  bring  them  up  to  the  sittin'-room,  gentlemen? 


DUTY  25 


HEAD 

We're  first  class  as  we  are,  ma'am. 

[Mrs.   Cotter  hands  the  glasses  and  a  loud  knock  is 

heard  at  the  door. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Who's  there? 

VOICE 

Police ! 

HEAD 

'Tis  the  constable! 

SERGEANT 

The  bla'gard  surely! 

HEAD 

What'll  we  do? 

SERGEANT 

Take  the  drinks  first,  an'  consider  after. 

[They  finish  drinks  and  hand  back  the  glasses  to  Mrs. 

Cotter. 

HEAD 

I  suppose  we  had  better  hide  in  the  coal  hole.  He  has 
a  better  nose  than  yourself,  an'  one  word  from  him  to 
the  Inspector  would  soon  deprive  us  o'  both  stripes 
an'  pensions. 

SERGEANT 

I  suppose  the  coal  hole  is  the  best  place,  though  it 
does  offend  me  dignity  to  go  there. 

HEAD 

Wisha,  bad  luck  to  you  an'  ye'r  dignity.  Come  on 
here! 

[The  Head  enters,  and  the  Sergeant  follows.    Mrs.  Cotter 
opens  the  street  door  and  the  Constable  enters. 
CONSTABLE  (sarcastically) 

Thanks  very  much  for  openin'  the  door,  ma'am. 


26  DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

I'm  sorry  for  keepin'  you  waitin',  Constable.  I  was 
sayin'  me  prayers  up-stairs  before  goin'  to  bed. 

CONSTABLE 

If  I  had  known  that,  I  wouldn't  have  disturbed  you. 
I  hope  you  said  one  for  me. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Of  course  I  did.    I  always  ses  a  prayer  for  the  police. 

CONSTABLE 

An'  right  too,  ma'am,  for  'tis  little  time  we  have  for 
prayin'.  There's  no  rest  for  a  man  once  he  joins  the 
Force.  Whin  y're  not  kept  busy  thinkin'  o'  one  thing, 
y're  kept  busy  thinkin'  o'  somethin'  else. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Thinkin'  is  worse  than  workin*. 

CONSTABLE 

A  hundred  times.  (Looking  at  his  watch)  'Tis  a  long 
time  since  first  Mass  this  mornin'.  Saturday!  Sun 
day!  Monday!  'Tis  all  the  same  whin  y're  in  the 
Force.  On  y'er  feet  all  day,  an'  kep'  awake  be  the 
childer  all  night.  An'  whin  pay  day  comes,  all  y'er 
hard  earnin's  goes  to  keep  the  wolf  from  the  door. 

MRS.    COTTER 

God  help  us! 

CONSTABLE 

Say  what  ye  will,  but  life  is  an  awful  bother. 

MRS.    COTTER 

We  must  go  through  it. 

CONSTABLE 

Well,  'tis  a  good  job  we  don't  live  as  long  as  the 
alligators.  We  might  have  to  support  our  grand- 
childer  if  we  did,  an'  I  may  tell  you  it  gives  me  enough 
to  do  to  support  me  own. 


DUTY  27 


MRS.    COTTER 

How  many  have  you  now,  Constable? 

CONSTABLE 

Seven,  an'  the  wife's  mother. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  thought  she  was  dead. 

CONSTABLE  (disgusted) 

Dead!    There's  five  years  more  in  her! 

MRS.    COTTER 

You  seem  to  be  in  a  very  bad  humor  to-night. 

CONSTABLE 

An'  why  not?  When  I  have  to  put  up  with  that 
bla'gard  of  a  Sergeant  —  not  to  mention  the  Head- 
constable  ! 

MRS.    COTTER 

We  all  have  our  troubles. 

CONSTABLE 

Some  of  us  get  more  than  our  share.  An'  'tis  far 
from  troublin'  a  dacent  woman  like  you  I'd  be,  only 
for  the  Sergeant,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Excuse  me,  Constable.  I  can't  keep  me  eyes  open 
with  the  sleep. 

CONSTABLE 

I'm  sorry  for  troublin'  you.  But  duty  is  duty,  an'  it 
must  be  done  whether  we  give  offence  to  our  best 
friends  or  not.  Sure,  'tis  well  I  know  that  you  have 
no  one  on  the  premises. 

MRS.    COTTER 

We  can't  please  everybody. 

CONSTABLE  (as  he  draws  a  chair  to  the  fire  and  sits  down) 
WTho  would  try?  I  wonder  is  it  snow  we're  goin'  to 
have? 


28  DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

If  you're  cold,  come  up  to  the  fire  in  the  sittin'-room. 
Or  if  I  were  you,  I'd  take  a  good  walk. 

CONSTABLE 

I'm  tired  o'  walkin',  an'  the  cold  gives  me  no  trouble. 
'Tis  the  pains  I  have  here  (placing  his  hand  on  his 
heart)  that  affects  me. 

MRS.    COTTER 

What  sort  are  they? 

CONSTABLE 

Cramps  —  of  the  worst  kind. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Gracious  me!    Have  you  taken  any  thin'  for  them? 

CONSTABLE 

What  would  be  good  for  'em? 

MRS.    COTTER 

Hot  milk  an'  pepper. 

CONSTABLE 

I  tried  that. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Any  thin'  else?  ' 

CONSTABLE 

Nothin'  except  a  smoke. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Maybe  a  little  drop  o'  "Wise's"  would  do  some  good? 

CONSTABLE 

I'd  try  anythin'  that  'ud  lessen  the  pain,  though  I'd 
rather  not  be  troublin'  ye. 

MRS.    COTTER 

'Tis  no  trouble  at  all. 

[Exit.     While  she  is  away,  something  falls  in  the  room 

where  Micus  and  Padua  are.     The  Constable  fails  to 


DUTY  29 


open  the  door,   and  returns  to   his  chair   before   Mrs. 

Cotter  comes  back  with  the  drink. 
MRS.  COTTER  (handing  glass) 

Drink  that  up,  go  straight  home,  bathe  ye'r  feet  in 

mustard  an'  water,  an'  ye'll  be  as  strong  as  a  Protestant 

in  the  mornin'! 
CONSTABLE  (taking  glass) 

Thank  ye,  ma'am. 

\_Drinks  it  of.     The  Head  in  the  coal  hole  sneezes,  and 

the  Sergeant  shouts  "God  bless  us!" 

CONSTABLE 

What's  that? 

MRS.    COTTER 

Oh,  that's  nothin'. 

\_Another  sneeze  and  "God  bless  us!" 

CONSTABLE 

Well,  if  that  nothin'  isn't  somethin',  I'm  dotin*. 
\_0pens  door  and  Head  and  Sergeant  fall  out  on  the 
floor. 

SERGEANT 

'Tis  all  your  fault  with  your  blasted  sneezin'. 

HEAD 

Now,  maybe  you'll  believe  that  I've  a  cold. 

SERGEANT 

Don't  be  botherin'  me.     I  can't  believe  meself  not  to 
mind  a  liar  like  you. 
HEAD  (to  the  Constable,  after  he  has  got  on  his  feet} 

Now,  sir,  what  have  you  got  to  say  for  yourself? 
'Twill  be  useless  for  you  to  deny  that  meself  an'  the 
Sergeant  here  (points  to  the  Sergeant  who  is  still  on  the 
floor)  have  caught  you  drinkin'  on  these  licensed 
premises  durin'  your  hours  o'  duty. 


30  DUTY 


CONSTABLE 

An'  what  about  me  catchin'  the  pair  o'  ye  hidin'  in 

the  coal  hole  o'   the  same  licensed  premises,   an*  a 

strong  smell  o*  whiskey  from  ye? 
HEAD 

'Tis  from  yourself  that  you  smells  the  whiskey. 
CONSTABLE  (takes  an  onion  from  his  pocket,  peels  it,  and 

eats  it  slowly) 

I  defy  you  or  any  one  else  to  find  the  smell  o'  whiskey 

from  me. 
HEAD  (to  the  Sergeant) 

Well,  don't  that  beat  Banagher? 

SERGEANT 

The  Devil  himself  couldn't  do  better. 

CONSTABLE 

Well,  gentlemen,  I'm  sorry  for  troublin'  ye,  but  duty 
is  duty.  I'll  now  place  ye  under  arrest  an'  send  for 
the  Inspector. 

HEAD  (in  a  rage) 

No  more  o'  this  nonsense!  You'll  pay  for  this  night's 
work,  believe  me. 

CONSTABLE  (smiling) 

I'll  pay  for  a  drink  for  both  o'  ye  for  the  sake  of  old 
times,  an'  the  less  said  about  this  night's  work  the 
better.  (All  remain  silent  for  a  short  time)  Well,  are 
ye  goin'  to  have  the  drink? 

SERGEANT  (to  Head) 

We  might  as  well  take  it,  for  'tis  the  first  time  he 
ever  offered  to  stand,  an'  it  may  be  the  last. 

HEAD  (after  much  consideration) 

Very  well,  then,  I'll  have  a  drop  o'  the  best. 

SERGEANT 

An'  I'll  have  the  same. 


DUTY  31 


CONSTABLE 

Three  glasses  o'  "Wise's,"  Mrs.  Cotter. 

MRS.  COTTER  (from  the  bar) 
Certainly,  Constable. 

[The  Head  and  Sergeant  remain  silent,  and  the  Con 
stable  paces  up  and  down  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets, 
whistling  some  popular  tune,  until  Mrs.  Cotter  brings 
in  the  drinks. 

MRS.  COTTER  (as  she  places  the  drinks  on  the  table) 

I  don't  like  to  see  ye  in  this  cold  kitchen,  gentlemen. 
Can't  ye  come  up-stairs  to  the  sitting-room? 

CONSTABLE 

'Tisn't  worth  our  while,  ma'am.     We  have  our  work 
to  do.     (Taking  glass  in  hand)  Slainthe! 
[Drinks  half  the  quantity  of  whiskey.     The  Head  and 
Sergeant  do  likewise.     A  noise  like  the  falling  of  furni 
ture  is  heard  from  the  room  where  Padna  and  Miens  are. 
HEAD  (startled) 
What's  that? 

[There  is  silence  for  a  while,  then  Micus  is  heard  singing. 
MICUS 

"We  are  the  boys  of  Wexford 

Who  fought  with  heart  an'  hand 
To  burst  in  twain  the  galling  chain, 
An'  free  our  native  land." 

HEAD  (to  Mrs.  Cotter  who  has  come  from  the  bar) 
I'll  have  the  kay  of  that  door,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

What  kay,  Head? 

HEAD 

The  kay  o'  that  door,  ma'am. 
[Strikes  door  with  his  fist. 


32  DUTY 


MRS.    COTTER 

Erra,  Head,  what's  the  matter  with  ye?     That  door 
is  nailed  up  this  seven  years.    That  singin'  comes  from 
the  next  house. 
HEAD 

Glory  be  to  God!  Do  any  one  alive  tell  the  truth? 
(Catches  hold  of  chair  by  the  back)  If  you  don't  give  me 
the  kay,  I'll  burst  open  the  door. 

MRS.    COTTER 

I  have  no  kay,  Head. 
HEAD  (holding  chair  over  his  head) 

Once  more  I  demand  the  kay  in  the  name  of  His 

Majesty  the  King,  before  I  puts  the  legs  o'  the  chair 

flyin'  through  the  ledges. 
MRS.  COTTER  (crying,  hands  key) 

Oh,  wisha,  what '11  I  do  at  all? 
HEAD  (taking  key) 

You'll  be  told  that  later  on,  ma'am. 

MRS.    COTTER 

They  are  only  two  neighbors  like  y'erselves.     Can't 

ye  go  .away  an'  lave  'em  alone? 
HEAD  (placing  key) 

Not  a  word  now,  ma'am,  for  anythin'  that  you  will 

say  or  won't  say  must  be  used  in  evidence  ag'inst  ye. 
PADNA  (singing) 

"Who  fears  to  speak  of  Ninety-eight? 

Who  blushes  at  the  name? 
When  cowards  mock  the  patriots'  fate, 

Who  hangs  his  head  for  shame? 
He's  all  a  knave  or  half  a  slave, 

Who  slights  his  country  thus: 
But  true  men,  like  you,  men, 

Will  drink  your  glass  with  us." 


DUTY  33 


HEAD  (to  Mrs.  Cotter) 

That's  a  nice  song  to  be  singin'  on  a  licensed  premises, 
ma'am.  'Twould  cause  a  riot  if  there  was  enough 
o'  people  about.  No  less  than  raidin'  the  police 
barracks  would  satisfy  the  likes  o'  that  songster  if  he 
was  left  at  large.  (Opens  door.  Padna  and  Micus 
stagger  on  to  the  floor.  They  fall  but  get  on  their  feet 
again)  What  are  ye  doin'  here? 

PADNA 

What  the  devil  is  that  to  you? 
MICUS 

Or  to  any  one  else  either? 
HEAD 

Do  ye  know  that  this  is  a  licensed  premises? 
PADNA  (looking  at  Micus) 

Of  course  we  do. 

HEAD 

An'  do  ye  know  that  this  is  Sunday  night  an'  that 
I'm  the  Head  Constable,  an'  that  one  o'  these  min 
here  is  the  Sergeant  an'  the  other  is  the  Constable? 

PADNA  (buttons  his  coat  and  looks  defiantly  at  them) 
An'  do  ye  know  that  I'm  Padna  Sweeney  from  Clash- 
beg? 

MICUS    (also   buttons   his   coat   and   looks   aggressively  at 
Head) 

An'  that  J'm  his  old  pal  Micus  Goggin  from  Castle- 
clover? 

PADNA  (as  he  staggers) 

Don't  mind  him,  Micus.    He's  drunk. 

HEAD 

What's  that  you're  say  in'?    Who's  drunk? 

PADNA 

Be  jaikus,  ye're  all  drunk. 


34  DUTY 


MICUS 

Come  on  away  home,  Padna,  an'  don't  mind  them. 

They're  a  bad  lot. 
PADNA 

The  smell  o'  drink  from  'em  is  awful. 
MICUS 

'Tis  disgustin'.    I  wouldn't  be  seen  in  their  company. 

Padna.    Come  on  away. 
HEAD  (to  Sergeant  and  Constable) 

Arrest  these  min! 
PADNA 

Do  ye  hear  that,  Micus? 
MICUS  (opening  his  coat) 

I  do,  but  I  won't  be  insulted  be  the  likes  o'  them. 
PADNA  (opening  his  coat  also) 

Nay ther  will  I ! 
HEAD  (indignantly) 

Why  don't  ye  arrest  these  min,  I  say? 
PADNA  and  MICUS  (together) 

Arrest  us,  is  it?    (They  take  off  their  coats,  throw  them 

on  the  ground,  and  take  their  stand  like  pugilists)     Come 

on,  now,  and  arrest  us! 
PADNA 

I'll  take  the  best  man. 
MICUS 

An'  I'll  take  the  lot. 

£  The  police  try  to  arrest  them,  and  a  desperate  struggle 

ensues.     The  police  lose  their  caps  and  belts,  buj,  even 
tually  succeed  in  overpowering  them. 
MRS.  COTTER  (rushes  to  the  rescue) 

O  boys,  for  my  sake,  an'  for  the  sake  o'  ye'r  wives 

an'  families,  have  no  crossness  but  lave  the  house 

quietly. 


DUTY  35 


PADNA  (as  he  struggles  with  the  Sergeant) 

Don't  fret,  ma'am.     We'll  have  no  crossness.    All  we 

want  is  to  wipe  the  police  from  the  face  o'  the  earth 

altogether. 
MICUS 

That's  all.    We'll  have  no  crossness. 

[Mandcuffs  are  placed  on  Micus  and  Padna. 
HEAD  (shouts) 

Take  these  min  to  the  Barrack. 

[They  struggle  violently,  and  sing  as  they  leave  the  house. 
PADNA  and  MICUS  (together} 

"When  boyhood's  fire  was  in  my  blood, 

I  read  of  ancient  freemen 
For  Grace  and  Rome  who  bravely  stood, 

Three  hundred  men  and  three  men. 
And  then  I  prayed  I  yet  might  see 

Our  fetters  rent  in  twain, 
And  Ireland,  long  a  province,  be 

A  Nation  once  again." 

^M rs.   Cotter  follows  them  to  the  door,  and  while  the 
Head  is  alone,  he  writes  in  his  notebook,  talking  aloud 
as  he  does  so. 
HEAD 

"Found  drunk  an'  disorderly  on  the  licensed  premises 
o'  Mrs.  Cotter,  Ballyferris,  during  prohibited  hours. 
Using  bad  an'  offensive  language.  Resistin'  arrest, 
assaultin'  the  police,  an'  doin'  sayrious  damage  to  their 
garments.  Singin'  songs  of  a  nature  likely  to  cause  re 
bellion  an'  threatenin'  to  exterminate  the  whole  Royal 
Irish  Constabulary."  (Places  book  back  in  pocket) 
[There  is  a  little  ivhiskey  in  each  of  the  three  glasses 
that  were  placed  on  the  mantleshelf.  The  Head  pours 


36  DUTY 


the  contents  of  each  into  one  and  drinks  it  before  Mrs. 
Cotter  returns.    Enter  Mrs.  Cotter. 

MRS.    COTTER 

Oh,  Head,  you  won't  be  hard  on  a  lone  widow,  will 
ye?      Don't   prosecute   thim   poor   min.      Sure,   they 
have  done  no  more  harm  than  y'erselves. 
HEAD  (as  he  stands  at  door) 

Mrs.  Cotter,  ma'am!    I'm  surprised  at  you. 

MRS.    COTTER 

For  what,  Head? 

HEAD 

To  think  that  you'd  dare  attempt  to  interfere  with 
me  in  the  discharge  o'  me  duty! 

MRS.    COTTER 

DUTY! 

CURTAIN 


JURISPRUDENCE 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


CHARACTERS 

MARTIN  O'FLYNN A  Resident  Magistrate 

CORNELIUS  JOHN  MICHAEL 

O'CROWLEY A  New  Justice  of  the  Peace 

PHELAN  DUFFY A  Barrister '-at-Law 

BRENNAN  CASSIDY A  Solicitor 

PETER  DWYER Clerk  of  the  Petty  Sessions 

Court 
RICHARD  FENNELL 

MARGARET  FENNELL Wife  of  Richard  Fennell 

SERGEANT  HEALY A    Member   of  the    Royal 

Irish  Constabulary 

CONSTABLE  O'RYAN A  Member  of  the  R.  I.  C. 

CONSTABLE  MCCARTHY A  Member  of  the  R.  I.  C. 


JURISPRUDENCE 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 

Scene:  Room  in  courthouse  at  Ballybraggan.  Magis 
trates  and  clerk  of  court  seated  on  the  Bench.  Barristers, 
townspeople,  and  police  in  body  of  the  court. 

MARTIN  O'FLYNN  (rises  and  wipes  his  brow  with  a  red 
handkerchief)  Members  of  the  Minister  Bar,  Mem 
bers  of  the  Royal  Irish  Constabulary,  and  —  gentle 
men  (pauses),  and  ladies  also,  before  the  Court  opens 
for  the  dispensation  of  justice,  I  would  like  to  say  a 
few  short  words  about  a  matter  that  concerns  not 
only  ourselves  here  present,  and  the  town  of  Bally 
braggan  in  particular,  but  everybody  alive  to  their 
own  interests  and  the  whole  world  in  general.  We 
have  with  us  to-day  one  who  is  no  stranger  to  the 
people  of  this  historic  town,  and  it  is  with  feelings  of 
the  highest  regard  that  I  stand  before  you  in  my  priv 
ileged  capacity  as  resident  magistrate  to  perform  what 
seems  to  me  to  be  the  most  pleasing  and  likewise  the 
most  joyous  of  duties  that  could  fall  to  the  lot  of  any 
man,  whether  he  might  come  from  where  the  waves  of 
the  tumultuous  Pacific  wash  the  shores  of  the  great 
Western  world  or  from  the  town  of  Mallow  itself.  And 
that  is  to  have  the  honor  and  glorification  of  introduc 
ing  to  you  our  new  and  worthy  magistrate,  Mr.  Cor 
nelius  John  Michael  O'Crowley.  (Applause)  Far  be 
it  from  me  indeed  to  flatter  any  man,  but  there  are 
times  when  we  must  tell  the  truth.  (Applause)  And 


42  JURISPRUDENCE 

when  I  say  that  there  is  no  one  more  humble  for  a 
man  of  his  achievements  from  here  to  Honolulu  than 
Mr.  O'Crowley  himself,  I  am  only  telling  the  truth 
in  a  plain  and  unadorned  form.  Every  effort  put 
forth  by  Mr.  O'Crowley  for  the  welfare  of  mankind 
has  been  characterised  by  success,  and  what  greater 
proof  of  his  ability  could  we  have  than  the  fact  that 
he  is  one  of  the  largest  wine  merchants  and  hotel 
proprietors  in  the  length  and  breadth  of  Munster? 
Indeed,  if  Mr.  O'Crowley  wasn't  fully  qualified  for 
upholding  and  sustaining  the  dignity  of  the  coveted 
title,  Justice  of  the  Peace,  His  Excellency  the  Lord 
Lieutenant,  who  is  both  a  scholar,  a  gentleman,  and  a 
Scotchman  to  boot,  would  not  be  so  pleased  and 
delighted  to  confer  on  him  an  honor  only  worthy  of  a 
man  of  his  attainments,  sentiments,  and  quality  of 
character.  (Applause) 

PHELAN    DUFFY 

On  behalf  of  the  legal  profession  of  which  I  have  the 
honor  of  being  the  oldest  member,  I  am  not  only 
desirous  but  extremely  overjoyed  to  have  the  golden 
opportunity  of  congratulating  our  worthy  townsman 
Mr.  Cornelius  John  Michael  O'Crowley  on  the  great 
distinction  that  has  befallen  him.  We  all  have  heard 
of  that  Englishman  who  said  one  time,  with  all  the 
cleverness  of  an  Irishman  and  a  native  of  Bally braggan 
at  that:  "Some  are  born  great,  others  acquire  great 
ness,  and  more  have  greatness  thrust  upon  them." 
Now  to  say  that  Mr.  O'Crowley  had  greatness  thrust 
upon  him  would  not  be  a  fact,  and  whether  or  not 
he  was  born  great  we  don't  know,  but  one  thing  is 
certain,  and  that  is,  he  has  acquired  greatness. 
And  when  I  say  so,  I  wish  it  to  be  distinctly 


JURISPRUDENCE  48 

understood  that  I  am  not  talking  idly  or  glibly, 
but  with  all  the  sincerity  of  my  heart.  With  the 
same  sincerity  that  has  characterised  all  my  actions 
since  I  was  first  called  to  the  Bar,  and  made  of  me 
what  I  am  to-day.  With  the  same  sincerity  that 
characterises  every  successful  member  of  the  legal 
profession,  be  he  Irish,  Scotch,  or  American.  Let 
critics  say  what  they  will,  but  the  fact  remains  that 
success  is  the  best  answer  to  adverse  criticism.  A 
man's  true  worth  may  not  always  be  appreciated  in  a 
cold  and  heartless  world  like  ours,  but  there  will  ever 
be  found  a  few  who  can  always  sympathise  with  us  in 
our  sorrows  and  rejoice  with  us  in  our  triumphs.  And 
Mr.  O'Crowley  has  the  rare  gift  which  enables  him  to 
do  both.  (Applause)  He  is  a  man  of  large  and  noble 
ideals,  of  sterling  qualities  and  knows  human  nature 
in  all  its  many  phases.  He  knows  the  wants  of  the 
people  and  what's  more,  he  knows  how  to  satisfy  them. 
He  would  not  allow  any  man's  light  to  be  hidden 
under  a  bushel,  so  to  speak,  and  why  should  we  allow 
the  bushel  to  hide  his?  (Applause)  Let  credit  be 
given  where  credit  is  due,  was  ever  his  motto.  And 
only  one  month  has  elapsed  since  he  said  to  me,  after 
defending  his  own  brother  on  a  breach  of  the  Sunday 
Closing  Act  in  this  very  courthouse,  "My  heartiest 
thanks  and  warmest  congratulations  for  your  splendid 
victory.  There  isn't  another  man  in  the  whole  country, 
not  even  Tim  Healy  himself,  who  could  win  that  case." 

SERGEANT    HEALY 

On  behalf  of  the  Royal  Irish  Constabulary,  I  wish  to 
be  associated  with  the  hearty  and  unanimous  welcome 
extended  to  Mr.  O'Crowley,  whom  I  have  known 
since  the  first  night  I  came  to  the  town.  And  my 


44  JURISPRUDENCE 

only  regret  is  that  I  did  not  know  him  before,  because 
men  with  his  rare  traits  of  character  are  not  to  be 
met  with  every  day.  His  genial  and  kindly  disposition 
has  endeared  him  to  us  all.  His  doors  are  never  closed 
on  either  Saturday,  Sunday,  Christmas  Day,  or  any 
other  day.  Friend  or  foe,  stranger  or  native  of  Bally- 
braggan,  are  all  the  same  to  Mr.  O'Crowley.  Each 
and  every  one  is  received  with  the  same  hearty  wel 
come.  He  is  a  man  whom  we  think  of  in  our  hours 
of  suffering,  whether  it  be  on  the  scorching  heat  of  a 
summer's  day  or  the  blighting  cold  of  a  winter's 
night.  It  is  my  earnest  wish,  and  I  am  sure  that  I  am 
only  expressing  the  sentiments  of  the  whole  of  Mun- 
ster,  that  the  success  which  has  attended  Mr.  O'Crow 
ley  in  all  the  ventures  of  his  useful  life  will  be  doubled 
in  his  capacity  as  Justice  of  the  Peace.  (Applause) 

PETER    DWYEB 

In  all  the  long  years  that  I  have  acted  as  clerk  of  this 
court,  I  never  felt  more  pleased  at  the  coming  of  a 
new  magistrate  than  when  I  heard  of  the  discretion 
of  His  Excellency  in  selecting  Mr.  O'Crowley  for  this 
most  exalted  position.  All  that  I  might  say  in  my 
congratulations  and  welcome  has  already  been  said, 
and  I  can  only  concur  in  the  good  wishes  that  have 
been  offered,  and  though  a  lot  more  might  have  been 
said  of  one  so  praiseworthy,  I  know  that  Mr. 
O'Crowley  will  understand,  it  is  not  that  we  like 
him  less  but  that  we  respect  him  more.  Mr. 
O'Crowley  is  a  man  who  is  above  pride  and  does  not 
want  the  walls  of  Rome  or  the  stones  of  the  Munster 
roads  to  know  what  he  does  for  mankind.  So  I  will 
now  conclude  by  wishing  him  all  the  success  that  he 
deserves,  in  the  future  and  hereafter. 


JURISPRUDENCE  45 


MR.    C.    J.    M.    O'C  ROWLEY 

Brother  magistrates,  members  of  the  Bar,  members  of 
the  Royal  Irish  Constabulary,  and  gentlemen:  From 
the  bottom  of  my  heart  I  thank  you  for  all  the  high 
compliments  you  have  paid  me  this  day,  and  I  only 
hope  that  I  will  be  long  spared  to  be  a  source  of  com 
fort  and  consolation  to  the  men  and  women  of  Bally- 
braggan.  I  know,  of  course,  that  I  am  not  a  pararagom 
of  perfection,  but  I  have  the  wonderful  satisfaction  of 
knowing  that  I  have  been  appreciated  in  my  own 
time,  and  that's  more  than  some  of  the  world's  best 
poets,  philosophers,  and  other  servants  of  mankind 
could  have  said.  The  superdalliance  of  some  and  the 
pomposity  and  congential  insufficiency  of  others  have 
always  been  a  warning  to  me,  and  when  opportunity 
sallied  forth  from  her  hiding  place  I  never  failed  to 
recognise  her  queenly  presence  and  extend  a  cead- 
mile-failte,  and  make  of  her  my  own,  so  to  speak. 
Such  was  the  way  of  Wellington  and  his  contemporary 
Hannibal,  and  such  must  be  the  way  of  every  man 
who  must  serve  his  country  and  himself.  And  be 
lieve  me,  much  as  the  people  of  Ballybraggan  think 
about  me,  I  think  every  bit  as  much  about  them.  It 
is  hardly  necessary  for  me  to  say  that  we  only  get 
what  we  deserve  in  this  world,  and  sometimes  a  little 
more  or  a  little  less  as  the  case  may  be.  The  desirable 
propensities  of  the  people  of  the  town  have  endeared 
me  to  them  with  a  spirit  as  strong  as  that  which 
makes  the  ivy  cling  to  the  oak,  and  as  we  see  the  ivy 
fondly  clinging  to  that  monarch  of  trees,  whether  it 
sprouts  its  green  leaves  in  the  glorious  sunshine  or 
falls  to  the  ground  with  decay,  so  will  I  cling  to  the 
people  of  Ballybraggan.  Once  again,  I  thank  you, 


46  JURISPRUDENCE 

but  in  conclusion  I  must  say  that  I  will  do  all  in  my 
power  to  prove  worthy  of  the  reliance  and  confidence 
placed  in  me.  (Applause) 

PETER    DWYER 

The  court  is  now  open  for  the  dispensation  of  justice. 
The  only  case  before  us  to-day  is  one  of  house-break 
ing,  drunkenness  from  excessive  use  of  poteen,  which 
is  an  illegal  drink,  and  resisting  arrest  by  the  police. 
The  charge  is  laid  against  one  Richard  Fennell,  and 
cross-summonses  have  been  issued  to  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Fennell. 

PHELAN    DUFFY 

On  behalf  of  my  client,  Mrs.  Fennell,  I  wish  to  im 
press  upon  the  Bench  the  gravity  of  the  offence  with 
which  the  accused  Richard  Fennell  is  charged,  namely, 
drunkenness  from  excessive  use  of  an  illegal  intoxicant 
known  as  poteen,  house-breaking,  terrorizing  and  al 
most  paralyzing  with  fear  his  highly  strung  and  sen 
sitive  wife,  and  adding  insult  to  injury  in  resisting 
arrest  by  his  Majesty's  guardian  of  law  and  order, 
Sergeant  Healy.  These  are  grave  charges  indeed,  and 
who  will  gainsay  that  a  man  gifted  with  the  spirit  of 
destruction  like  Mr.  Fennell  is  a  menace  to  the  peace- 
abiding  town  of  Bally braggan?  Not  since  the  heart 
less  barbarians  made  their  ruthless  descent  upon  the 
Roman  Empire  was  there  such  havoc  wrought  in  any 
one  house,  or  did  any  individual  member  of  society 
suffer  so  much  from  nervous  prostration  as  Mrs. 
Fennell. 
MR.  FENNELL  (interrupting) 

Can't  a  man  dust  his  own  furniture  and  chastise  his 
own  wife  if  he  feels  like  doing  so? 


JURISPRUDENCE 


MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Order!  order!  There  must  be  no  interruptions  in  this 
court  of  justice. 

PHELAN  DUFFY  (continuing) 

You  can  well  imagine  how  poor  Mrs.  Fennell  thought 
that  the  end  of  the  world  was  coming  when  she  saw 
every  bit  of  ware  on  the  kitchen  dresser  smashed  in 
pieces  no  larger  than  threepenny  bits  on  the  floor. 
And  the  alarm  clock  that  woke  Mr.  Fennell  every 
morning  and  reminded  him  that  it  was  time  to  get 
up  and  make  his  wife's  breakfast,  which  she  always 
got  in  bed,  struck  dumb  for  ever  with  its  works  bat 
tered  beyond  recognition.  Think  of  this  poor  woman's 
feelings  at  such  an  awful  moment. 

MR.  FENNELL  (interrupting) 

Feelings!  She  has  no  more  feelings  than  a  tomb 
stone. 

PHELAN  DUFFY  (continuing) 

Think  of  this  decent,  self-respecting,  loving  wife  and 
mother,  who  has  had  no  less  than  three  husbands. 

MRS.  FENNELL  (interrupting) 

An'  I'll  have  another  too,  please  God! 

PHELAN    DUFFY 

Think,  I  say,  of  three  husbands,  and  ten  children. 
Six  resting  in  the  little  churchyard  at  Ennisbeg,  and 
four  resting  in  the  Royal  Irish  Constabulary.  That 
Mr.  Feniioll  was  what  we  would  call  a  model  husband, 
before  he  touched  this  poteen  goes  without  saying. 
Everything  that  his  wife  told  him  to  do  was  done, 
and  done  to  her  satisfaction,  and  done  whether  he 
liked  the  doing  of  it  or  no. 
M:R^.  FENNELL  (interrupting) 

I  always  made  my  husbands  do  what  they  were  told. 


48  JURISPRUDENCE 

PHELAN   DUFFY 

Mr.  Fennell  is  no  doubt  guilty  of  a  serious  offence, 
but  whoever  sold  him  the  base  liquor  is  far  more 
guilty  in  the  eyes  of  the  law,  as  well  as  the  public. 
Needless  to  state,  this  fact  does  not  in  any  way  lessen 
the  gravity  of  Mr.  Fennell's  offence,  and  I  would  ask 
the  Bench  not  to  allow  any  feelings  of  sentiment  to 
interfere  with  the  discharge  of  their  duty.  I  would 
ask  that  the  severest  penalty  allowed  be  inflicted  on 
the  accused  for  his  unwarranted,  unmanly,  and  black 
guardly  conduct. 
MRS.  FENNELL  (to  Phelan  Duffy) 

Wisha,  bad  luck  to  your  impudence  to  call  my  hus 
band  a  bla'gard.  A  dacent  man  that  never  went  to 
the  likes  of  you  or  any  one  else  for  anything. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Order,  order. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

'Tis  only  the  likes  of  lawyers  that  have  the  insolence 
to  insult  dacent  people.    Sure  when  they  aren't  igno 
rant  they're  consated,  and  their  wives  and  daughters 
are  no  better  than  themselves. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Order,  order.  Unless  you  behave  yourself,  you  must 
be  placed  under  arrest. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

Sure,  you  don't  think  I  can  stand  here  with  a  tongue 
in  me  head  and  listen  to  me  husband  being  insulted, 
do  you? 

PETER    DWYER 

Order,  order,  Mrs.  Fennell,  please. 

[She  attempts  to  speak  again,  and  the  sergeant  places 

his  hand  over  her  mouth.     She  resents  this  action,  and 


JURISPRUDENCE 


in  a  struggle  which  ensues  the  sergeant  falls  to  the  floor. 
He  is  helped  to  his  feet  by  Mrs.  Fennell,  and  both  look 
at  each  other  in  a  scornful  way. 
SERGEANT  HEALY  (to  Mrs.  Fennell) 

'Tis  a  good  job  for  you  that  you're  not  Mrs.  Healy. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

And  'tis  a  blessing  for  you  that  you're  not  Mr.  Fennell. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Order,  order.  This  conduct  is  scandalous,  Mrs.  Fennell, 
and  you  must  keep  quiet. 

MR.    FENNELL 

You  might  as  well  be  asking  a  whale  to  whistle  "The 
Last  Rose  of  Summer"  or  asking  the  Kaiser  to  be 
come  a  Trappist  monk. 

PETER    DWYER 

Order,  order.  Now  please,  Mrs.  Fennell,  come  for 
ward  and  give  your  evidence. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

All  I  have  to  say  is  that  my  husband  got  the  delirium 
tramens  from  drinking  poteen  and  broke  every  bit 
of  furniture  in  the  house,  an'  he  might  have  killed 
myself. 

MR.  FENNELL  (very  disgusted) 
I  wish  I  knew  how. 

MRS.  FENNELL  (continuing) 

Only  for  having  the  good  sense  of  rushing  to  the  front 
door  and  shouting  for  the  police.  I'm  an  orphan, 
your  Worship,  and  that's  why  I'm  here  to  seek  pro 
tection  from  the  court.  All  the  same,  I  haven't  a 
word  to  say  to  my  husband,  the  cowardly  ruffian, 
only  for  his  love  of  poteen,  bad  temper,  and  contrary 
ways. 


50  JURISPRUDENCE 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

That  will  do,  Mrs.  Fennell. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

Thanks,  your  Worship. 

SERGEANT  HEALY  (takes  out  his  notebook.  A  clay  pipe, 
box  of  snuff,  and  handkerchief  fall  to  the  floor.  The 
snuff  falls  on  the  handkerchief.  He  replaces  the  snuff 
box  and  the  pipe  in  his  pocket,  and  wipes  his  face  with 
the  snuffy  handkerchief.  He  then  opens  his  notebook 
for  reference  and  begins) 

On  the  night  of  December  third  (sneezes  and  says: 
God  bless  us!)  I  was  on  me  rounds  doin'  beat  duty 
in  Market  Square  in  the  town  of  Ballybraggan 
(Sneezes) — God  bless  us!  —  and  all  of  a  sudden  with 
out  a  moment's  notice,  I  was  disturbed  from  me 
reverie  of  pious  thought,  be  a  great  disturbance  like 
the  falling  of  porter  barrels  from  the  top  floor  of  a 
brewery,  and  without  saying  as  much  as  the  Lord 
protect  me,  I  swung  to  me  left  from  whence  the 
noise  came  and  beheld  Mrs.  Fennell  (Sneeze)  —  God 
bless  us !  —  rushing  out  of  her  own  house  the  way 
you'd  see  a  wild  Injun  rushing  in  the  moving  pi'  lures 
and  shouting  like  a  circus  lion  before  his  breakfast: 
"Police!  police!  police!"  An'  as  though  it  was  the 
will  of  Providence,  I  was  in  the  very  place  where  me 
presence  was  required. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

Accidents  will  happen,  Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

They  will,  and  disasters  too,  if  you  don't  hold  your 
tongue. 

PETER    DWYER 

Order,  order. 


JURISPRUDENCE  51 

SERGEANT  HEALY  (continuing) 

Well,  in  with  me  to  the  house  without  a  moment's 
delay,  and  what  did  I  see  but  Richard  Fennell  sitting 
in  an  easy  chair  and  smoking  a  cigar  and  looking  as 
happy  an'  contented  as  a  Protestant  after  a  meal  of 
corn  beef  and  cabbage  on  a  Friday.  An'  the  house, 
the  Lord  save  us !  —  one  would  think  that  'twas  struck 
be  a  cyclone.  The  only  thing  that  remained  whole 
was  the  chair  that  he  sat  in  and  the  decanter  that  fed 
the  broken  glass  from  which  he  drank  the  poteen. 
"What  brings  you  here?"  ses  he,  to  me.  An'  only  I 
had  the  presence  of  mind  of  clapping  the  handcuffs  on 
him  before  I  had  time  to  answer  such  an  impertinent 
question,  there  might  be  one  more  above  in  the  old 
churchyard  and  one  less  in  this  court  of  justice. 
(Sneezes)  God  bless  us!  The  story  is  nearly  ended. 
(Sneezes)  God  bless  us !  I  —  (Sneezes)  God  bless  us ! 
I  —  (Waits  for  an  expected  sneeze  and  when  disappointed 
he  says  " Thank  God!")  I  brought  the  prisoner  to 
the  barrack  and  have  here  the  poteen  that  changed 
him  from  a  law-abiding  townsman  into  a  fiend  incar 
nate.  (The  sergeant  then  places  the  bottle  of  poteen  on 
the  counter,  looks  very  hard  at  it,  pretends  to  faint  from 
sudden  weakness,  and  asks  for  a  drink  of  water)  Can 
I  have  a  little  water,  if  you  please? 
[Several  rush  to  assist  him.  There  is  no  water  in  the 
court,  and  the  clerk  gets  the  kind  of  inspiration  that  the 
sergeant  desires  and  fetches  the  poteen.  He  pours  some 
out  in  a  glass  and  gives  it  to  the  sergeant. 

PETER  DWYER  (to  the  sergeant) 

Try  a  little  drop  of  the  spirits,  Sergeant,  as  there 
isn't  a  drop  of  water  to  be  had.  The  plumbers  are 
working  at  the  pipes. 


52  JURISPRUDENCE 

SERGEANT    (softly) 

Bad  luck  to  them  for  plumbers.  They  are  always  a 
nuisance.  (Before  putting  glass  to  his  lips)  I  suppose 
I  must  take  it,  because  I  am  dry  as  a  bona-fide  travel 
ler.  (He  finishes  it  all  in  one  drink)  It  doesn't  taste 
too  bad  after  all,  and  water  at  its  best  isn't  much 
good  for  one  who  must  do  a  lot  of  talking.  I'll  have 
a  little  more,  if  you  please. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

You  can't  have  any  more,  Sergeant.  That  would  be 
abusing  your  privilege. 

SERGEANT    HEALY    (softly) 

Alright,  your  Worship.  When  a  man's  as  full  of  the 
law  as  meself,  'tis  hard  to  remember  when  he's  privi 
leged. 

£The  sergeant  recovers  and  the  case  proceeds. 
BRENNAN  CASSIDY  (for  Mr.  Fenncll) 

On  behalf  of  my  client,  Mr.  Fennell,  I  wish  to  point 
out  the  absurdity  of  the  charges  brought  against  him. 
For  no  reason  whatever  and  without  a  moment's 
warning,  the  sergeant  rushed  into  his  house  without 
an  invitation  or  observing  the  laws  of  common  pro 
priety  by  ringing  the  bell,  and  ruthlessly  placed  hand 
cuffs  on  Mr.  Fennell  and  marched  him  off  to  prison 
like  a  common  felon.  And  not  a  shadow  of  evidence 
as  to  misbehavior  against  him  except  the  statements 
of  his  wife  about  the  breaking  of  some  furniture. 
Now,  let  us  suppose  that  Mr.  Fennell  did  break  the 
furniture.  Was  not  that  his  own  affair?  The  furni 
ture  was  his  property,  and  he  could  do  with  it  as  he 
pleased.  Perhaps  he  did  not  like  the  manner  in  which 
it  was  designed,  and  Mr.  Fennell,  mistaking  his  aver 
sion  for  things  not  in  keeping  with  his  artistic  ideals, 


JURISPRUDENCE  53 

came  to  the  conclusion  that  he  was  only  on  a  voyage 
of  destruction  when  he  merely  was  proving  how  little 
of  the  philistine  there  was  in  his  nature  by  removing 
from  his  home  such  articles  as  did  not  harmonize  with 
his  conception  of  the  beautiful.  The  fact  that  the 
whole  affair  happened  so  hastily  only  goes  to  prove 
that  Mr.  Fennell  has  the  artistic  temperament. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

The  artistic  temperament,  my  dear!     What  next! 

MR.    CASSIDY 

The  idea  of  doing  away  with  the  furniture,  which  Mr. 
Fennell  emphatically  states  he  disliked, —  and  what 
greater  proof  of  the  fact  could  we  have  than  his  action 
in  destroying  it?  —  came  to  him  like  an  inspiration,  and 
being  a  true  artist  he  seized  the  opportunity,  and  the 
world  was  made  all  the  lovelier  by  the  riddance  of  ugly 
things.  I  think,  in  fact,  I  know  that  I  have  proved 
that  the  charge  of  house-breaking  is  absurd.  (Takes 
out  his  watch,  holds  it  in  the  palm  of  his  left  hand) 
This  watch  is  mine,  and  if  I  should  choose  to  smash  it 
into  a  thousand  fragments,  who  is  there  to  prevent 
me?  What  power  has  the  law  over  such  matters? 
None  whatever.  Well,  it  would  be  just  as  ridiculous 
and  absurd  to  punish  my  client  for  smashing  his  own 
furniture,  which  he  purchased  with  his  own  hard 
earned  money,  as  to  punish  me  for  smashing  this 
watch  if  I  should  feel  like  doing  so.  (Applause,  which 
is  suppressed)  To  charge  Mr.  Fennell  w^ith  drinking 
poteen  is  equally  absurd.  He  does  not  know  what 
poteen  tastes  like.  The  idea  of  taking  a  decanter  and 
a  bottle  of  whiskey  out  of  any  gentleman's  house 
without  his  permission  is  tyranny  of  the  very  worst 
kind.  It  is  a  grievous  offence  in  the  eyes  of  the  law 


54  JURISPRUDENCE 

as  well  as  a  breach  of  etiquette.  What,  might  I  ask, 
would  happen  if  any  of  us  were  to  break  into  His 
Worship's  hotel  and  steal,  or  take  if  you  will,  some 
choice  samples  of  his  wines?  Would  we  not  find  our 
selves  in  a  prison  cell?  Most  assuredly  we  would, 
and  what's  more,  our  good  name  would  be  gone  for 
ever.  The  finger  of  scorn  would  be  pointed  at  our 
children  and  our  children's  children,  and  posterity 
would  never  forget  us. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

'Tis  only  worse  he's  getting. 

PETER    DWYER 

Order,  order. 

MR.    CASSIDY 

There  is  only  one  course  for  the  Bench  to  adopt,  and 
that  is  to  discharge  Mr.  Fennell.  He  has  already 
suffered  enough  and  any  one  with  such  a  ballyragging, 
unreasonable,  unladylike,  and  headstrong  wife  de 
serves  our  sympathy. 
MR.  FENNELL  (with  indignation} 

Mr.  Cassidy,  sir.  How  dare  you  stand  up  there  in 
my  presence  and  insult  my  wife!  You're  no  gentle 
man,  sir.  Remember  when  you  offend  my  wife,  you 
offend  me.  Do  you  hear  that? 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

This  conduct  is  obstreperonious,  Mr.  Fennell.  Mr. 
Cassidy  is  a  gentleman,  and  he  must  not  be  either 
insulted  or  interrupted,  while  he  is  judiciously  dis 
charging  the  duties  of  his  high  office. 

MRS.    FENNELL  (sighs) 

Oh,  God  help  us!  The  world  must  be  turned  upside 
down  when  a  lawyer  can  be  a  gentleman. 


JURISPRUDENCE  55 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Hold  your  tongue,  woman,  or  I'll  order  you  to  be 
arrested  for  contempt  of  court. 

MR.    FENNELL 

The  next  man  who  says  a  word  to  my  wife  must  fight 

me. 

[Buttons  his  coat. 
PHELAN  DUFFY  (to  the  magistrates) 

The  Bench  must  make  due  allowances  for  the  excite 
ment  of  the  moment. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Of  course,  of  course,   Mr.   Duffy,   but  we  must  not 

have  a  reoccurrence  of  such  conduct. 

MR.    FENNELL 

Meself  and  herself  pulled  together  all  these  long  years, 
and  I'll  be  damned  if  I'll  allow  any  one  to  say  a  word 
to  her. 

[Mrs.  Fennell  places  a  handkerchief  to  her  eyes  and 
commences  to  cry. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Order,  order,  this  is  a  court  of  justice,  and  the  case 
must  proceed  without  further  interruption  or  the 
strictest  measures  of  the  law  will  be  adhered  to. 
(Pauses,  speaks  to  the  police)  Any  one  who  inter 
rupts  me  while  I'm  speaking  must  be  ejected  from  the 
court. 

SERGEANT    HEALY 

Your  Worship's  orders  will  be  obeyed. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Now,  it  was  with  the  greatest  of  interest  that  I  have 
listened  to  the  speeches  pro  and  con  for  the  prisoner 
and  never  before  or  since  have  I  heard  such  logic 


56  JURISPRUDENCE 


and  eloquence  as  was  used  in  this  court  of  justice 
to-day.  I  am  nearly  sure,  in  fact  I'm  certain,  that 
since  the  days  when  Marcus  Anthony  delivered  his 
matchless  orations  before  the  proud  and  haughty 
Egyptians,  did  such  wisdom  flow  from  the  lips  of  any 
man.  By  the  judicious  application  of  words  and  logic 
we  have  learnt  what  uses  can  be  made  of  the  law  of 
the  land,  and  though  our  reason  may  convince  us 
and  our  conscience  too,  that  right  is  right  and  wrong 
is  wrong,  yet,  the  law's  the  law  for  all  that,  and  we 
are  Justices  of  the  Peace  and  must  respect  the  law 
and  abide  by  it.  Mr.  Duffy  has  clearly  proved  to  us 
how  drink,  especially  bad  and  illegal  drink,  like  poteen, 
can  change  a  man  from  a  law-abiding,  self-respecting, 
and  obedient  husband  into  a  demon  and  a  house 
breaker.  And  Mr.  Cassidy  has  also  clearly  proven 
on  the  other  hand  how  that  same  drink  can  change  a 
man  from  the  ordinary  humdrum  things  of  life  and 
turn  his  mind  to  noble  ideals,  and  make  of  him  an 
artist  and  an  inspired  one  at  that.  Now  science  has 
proved  to  us  that  in  every  one  man  there  are  two 
men,  —  the  artist,  if  I  might  be  permitted  to  use  the 
term,  and  the  house-breaker.  But  as  the  two  men  are 
only  one  man,  and  the  artist  is  the  better  of  the  two, 
then  to  the  artist  let  us  pay  our  respects,  and  dismiss 
the  charge  of  house-breaking. 

MRS.    FENNELL  (sadly) 

Ah,  God  help  us!  The  town  will  be  full  of  artists 
when  the  militia  comes  home. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

The  charge  of  house-breaking  then  will  be  dismissed, 
but  I  must  impose  a  heavy  fine  and  sentence  for  using 
the  illegal  intoxicant,  poteen. 


JURISPRUDENCE  57 

MR.    CASSIDY 

Will  your  Worship  be  good  enough  before  passing 
sentence  to  make  sure  that  the  liquor  is  poteen? 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

We  have  it  on  the  testimony  of  the  sergeant  that  it  is 
poteen. 

MR.  CASSIDY 

But  with  all  due  respect  to  the  court,  we  cannot  con 
vict  any  one  on  such  evidence.  What  does  the  ser 
geant  know  about  poteen? 

SERGEANT  HEALY  (indignantly) 

What  do  I  know  about  poteen,  is  it?  How  dare  you, 
sir?  Was  there  a  better  maker  of  poteen  in  the 
County  Cork  than  my  own  father,  rest  his  soul! 

MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Now,  isn't  that  evidence  enough  for  you?  Does  the 
sergeant  look  like  a  man  who  doesn't  know  the  dif 
ference  between  a  good  and  a  bad  drop  of  whiskey? 

MR.  CASSIDY  (sarcastically) 

I  beg  your  Worship's  pardon.  But  my  client  states 
that  the  evidence  is  insufficient,  and  if  he  should  be 
convicted,  he  will  bring  the  case  before  the  Four 
Courts  of  Dublin. 

SERGEANT    HEALY 

He  can  bring  it  to  the  four  courts  of  —  Jericho,  if  he 
likes,  but  that  stuff  in  the  bottle  is  poteen  all  the 
same. 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

As  Mr.  Fennel  is  so  dogmatic  about  this  liquor  not 
being  poteen,  why  does  he  not  tell  us  where  and  from 
whom  he  purchased  it?  (To  the  sergeant)  Are  you 
sure,  Sergeant  Healy,  that  this  liquor  is  poteen? 


58  JURISPRUDENCE 

SERGEANT    HEALY 

As  well  as  I  remember  the  taste  of  it,  your  Worship, 
it  is.     But  perhaps  'twould  be  better  to  make  sure 
and  try  again. 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 
Try  again,  then. 

SERGEANT  HEALY 

Very  well. 

[Pours  out  a  little  and  drinks  it,  smacks  his  lips,  but 

says  nothing. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Well,  Sergeant,  what  is  it? 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

Is  it  or  is  it  not  poteen? 

SERGEANT   HEALY 

I  don't  get  the  flavor  of  it  yet. 
[Takes  another  drop. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

What  is  it,  Sergeant,  poteen  or  just  bad  whiskey? 

SERGEANT    HEALY 

Bedad,  'tis  hard  to  tell.  Sometimes  I  think  'tis  poteen, 
and  sometimes  I  think  it  isn't.  But  whatever  it  is,  it 
isn't  so  good  as  the  stuff  me  poor  father  used  to  brew. 
Maybe  the  constable  could  tell  us.  He  comes  from 
Castletownballymacreedy,  where  they  make  the  best 
poteen  in  Ireland. 
[Hands  a  glassful  to  the  constable. 

CONSTABLE  O'RYAN  (after  drinking) 

There's  not  a  shadow  of  a  doubt  about  it  being 
poteen,  your  Worship,  and  as  fine  a  drop  as  I  have 
tasted  for  many  a  long  day. 

MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Are  you  satisfied  now,  Mr.  Cassidy? 


JURISPRUDENCE  59 

MR.    CASSIDY 

I  think  it  would  be  as  well  to  have  the  opinion  of  some 
one  else. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Constable  McCarthy,  let  you  take  a  toothful  out  of 
that  decanter  and  tell  us  what  it  is. 

CONSTABLE    MCCARTHY 

Though  I  am  a  League  of  the  Cross  man,  I  suppose  as 
a  matter  of  duty  I  must  break  me  pledge. 
[Pours  out  a  glassful  and  drinks. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 
Well,  what  is  it? 

CONSTABLE    MCCARTHY 

Poteen,  your  Worship. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Now  we  have  conclusive  evidence  that  this  liquor  is 
poteen,  and  no  more  serious  charge  could  be  brought 
against  any  man  than  to  be  found  guilty  of  using  such 
obnoxious  stuff  by  a  court  of  justice.  As  with  the  law 
of  nature,  so  with  the  law  of  the  land.  He  who  trans 
gresses  any  of  nature's  laws  gets  duly  punished  ac 
cording  to  the  nature  of  his  offence.  And  so  also 
with  the  law  of  the  country.  Mr.  Fennell  must  be 
punished,  and  his  punishment  must  serve  as  an 
example  to  others  and  — 

MR.    CASSIDY 

I  beg  your  Worship's  pardon.      We  do  not  always  get 
punished  for  disobeying  the  laws  of  nature.     Nature's 
strongest   force   is   self-assertion,    and   excessive   self- 
assertion  is  vanity,  and  vanity  is  sinful,  and  - 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

You  must  excuse  me  interrupting  you,  Mr.  Cassidy, 
but  that  train  of  argument  cannot  be  followed  here. 


60  JURISPRUDENCE 

We  have  proved  that  poteen  was  found  in  the  pris 
oner's  house,  and  if  he  did  not  make  it  himself,  where 
then  did  he  get  it  from? 
MR.  CASSIDY 

Mr.  Fennel  emphatically  denies  having  anything  to 
do  with  the  making  of  the  liquor  found  on  his  prem 
ises.  And  so  far  it  has  not  been  proved  to  either  his 
or  my  satisfaction  that  the  intoxicant  is  poteen. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Does  your  client  mean  for  a  moment  to  cast  a  reflec 
tion  on  the  police  of  this  town,  and  insinuate  that  they 
don't  know  what  poteen  is? 

MR.    CASSIDY 

We  are  not  satisfied  with  the  decision  of  the  police, 

your  Worship. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Very  well  then,  we'll  give  it  a  further  test. 

^Gives  the  decanter  to  the  clerk,  Peter  Dwyer. 
PETER  DWYER  (after  tasting  it) 

If  that's  not  poteen,  may  I  never  wet  my  lips  with  it 

again. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY  (to  Mr.  Cassidy) 

Perhaps  you  are  satisfied  now. 
MR.  CASSIDY 

No,  I  am  not. 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

Well,  taste  it  yourself  and  tell  us  what  it  is. 
MR.  CASSIDY  (tastes  it) 

Whatever  it  is,  it  is  not  poteen. 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN  (pours  out  some  in  a  glass) 

I'll  soon  settle  the  question.     (Drinks)     That's  poteen, 

and  good  poteen  too. 


JURISPRUDENCE  61 

MR.    CASSIDY 

I  beg  to  disagree  with  your  Worship. 

MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

How  dare  you  disagree  with  me,  sir,  and  I  drinking 
poteen  every  day  of  my  life.  I'd  resign  my  seat  on 
the  Bench  rather  than  suffer  to  be  insulted  in  such  a 
manner  again. 

MR.  CASSIDY 

I  apologise.  Nothing  could  be  further  from  my 
thought  than  offence. 

MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

I'm  glad  to  hear  you  say  so,  because  when  I  said  that 
the  liquor  in  the  decanter  was  poteen,  I  knew  what  I 
was  talking  about.  Unless  the  prisoner  tells  us  how 
he  procured  this  illegal  drink,  he  will  be  imprisoned 
for  six  months. 

MR.    FENNELL 

For  six  months,  is  it? 
MARTIN  O'FLYNN 

Yes,  for  six  long  months,  and  you  must  find  bail  for 
your  good  behavior  at  the  end  of  the  term  for  a  period 
of  twelve  months. 

MR.    FENNELL 

Well,  as  you  are  so  anxious  to  know  where  I  procured 
the  stuff  that  you  have  certified  to  be  poteen,  I  have 
great  pleasure  in  telling  you  that  it  was  purchased  at 
Mr.  Cornelius  John  Michael  O'Crowley's  establish 
ment  under  the  name  of  Scotch  whiskey,  and  if  there 
is  any  doubt  about  the  matter,  I  can  show  you  some 
of  his  own  sealed  bottles  with  the  same  stuff  in  them. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

The  saints  protect  us!    What  a  vile  fabrication! 


62  JURISPRUDENCE 

MRS.    FENNELL 

Ah,  you  old  hypocrite,  'tis  about  time  that  you  were 
found  out. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

Place  that  woman  under  arrest  for  contempt  of  court. 
(Mrs.  Fennell  is  placed  in  the  dock)  Now,  Mrs.  Fennell, 
anything  that  you  will  say  will  be  used  in  evidence 
against  you,  so  I  warn  you  to  hold  your  tongue  and 
keep  quiet. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

I'll  try  and  keep  quiet,  your  Worship. 
MR.  O'CROWLEY 

Gentlemen,  I  regret  to  state  that  a  mistake  has  oc 
curred  somewhere,  and  there's  nothing  more  plentiful 
than  mistakes.  They  commenced  long  ago  in  the 
Garden  of  Eden,  and  they  are  as  inevitable  as  the  day 
and  night,  as  inevitable,  I  might  say,  as  America  it 
self.  Yes,  some  one  has  blundered,  as  Napoleon  said 
when  he  woke  up  and  found  himself  a  prisoner  on  St. 
Helena.  Mr.  Fennell,  alas!  has  erred,  but  to  err  is 
human,  and  to  forgive  is  divine.  We  are  reasonable 
people,  and  we  must  treat  this  matter  in  a  reasonable 
manner.  The  prisoner  has  stated  that  he  purchased 
poteen  at  my  premises,  but  what  reliance  can  we 
place  on  the  word  of  a  man  who  is  addicted  to  drink 
ing  poteen?  None  whatever.  We  have  only  the  pris 
oners  word  that  the  poteen  was  purchased  at  my 
establishment,  but  the  probability  is  that  he  was  only 
suffering  from  its  ill  effects  when  he  imagined  that  I 
was  the  one  who  supplied  it.  Though  I'm  very  sorry 
indeed  to  have  anything  to  say  against  Mr.  Fennell, 
his  word  cannot  be  taken  as  evidence,  and  the  case 
will  be  dismissed.  (Applause,  which  is  suppressed) 


JURISPRUDENCE  63 


The  dignity  of  the  court  must  be  upheld,  and   the 
next  person  who  applauds  will  be  ejected. 
[Mr.  Fennell  is  dismissed  and  Mrs.  Fennell  placed  in 
the  dock.    She  goes  through  the  usual  ordeal  of  swearing, 
and  Mr.  O'Crowley  tries  her  case. 

MR.    O'CROWLEY 

For  contempt  of  court,  Mrs.  Fennell,  you  will  be 
fined  ten  pounds,  and  you  will  be  bound  to  the  peace 
for  twelve  months,  and  you  must  give  two  securities 
of  fifty  pounds  each,  or  go  to  jail  for  a  term  of  six 
months  with  hard  labor.  And  anything  that  you 
may  say  after  the  sentence  of  the  court  has  been 
passed,  of  a  disparaging  nature  to  the  Bench,  will  be 
considered  as  a  necessity  for  further  punishment.  I 
hope  that  I  have  made  myself  perfectly  clear. 

MRS.    FENNELL 

Yes,  your  Worship,  you  have  made  yourself  perfectly 
clear.  (Starts  to  cry}  Oh,  what  will  I  do  at  all?  Is 
there  no  one  to  go  bail  for  me?  (Mr.  Fennell  looks 
like  one  who  is  trying  to  come  to  a  decision,  and  Mrs. 
Fennell  starts  to  cry  again)  Is  it  the  way  that  ye'll 
be  having  me  taken  to  the  county  jail  for  doing  nothing 
at  all?  Oh,  wisha,  who's  going  to  go  bail  for  me? 
Maybe  'tis  yourself,  Mr.  O'Crowley. 
MR.  FENNELL  (walking  up  to  the  dock) 

And  I  here,  is  it?  Not  for  likely.  I'll  go  bail  for  you, 
of  course. 

CURTAIN 


MAGNANIMITY 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


CHARACTERS 

WILLIAM  DRISCOLL A  public-house  keeper 

DENNIS  LOGAN 

BERNARD  FALVEY 

GARRET  DEVLIN 

BARRY  NAGLE 

POLICE  AND  TOWNSPEOPLE 


MAGNANIMITY 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 

Scene:  Back  parlor  of  a  country  public  house.  The 
proprietor,  William  Driscoll,  a  man  of  about  fifty  with  a 
very  dour  expression,  sings  as  he  sweeps  the  floor: 

"Oh,  the  days  are  gone,  when  Beauty  bright 
My  heart's  chain  wove; 

When  the  dream  of  life  from  morn  till  night 
Was  love,  still  love. 
New  hope  may  bloom, 
And  days  may  come 
Of  milder,  calmer  beam, 
But  there's  nothing  half  so  sweet  in  life 
As  love's  young  dream. 
No,  there's  nothing  half  so  sweet  in  life 
As  love's  young  dream." 
[Logan,  a  stranger,  enters. 

LOGAN 

Good  mornin'. 

DRISCOLL 

Good  mornin'  and  good  luck.    What  can  I  do  for  you? 

LOGAN 

I'll  have  a  glass  of  the  best  whiskey. 
DRISCOLL 

All  right,  my  good  man.    You  shall  get  it. 
[Exit. 


70  MAGNANIMITY 

LOGAN  (takes  up  the  morning  paper,,  sits  on  the  table,  and 
speaks  aloud) 

Be  the  pipers  that  played  the  dead  march  for  Moses, 
but  I'm  twice  as  big  a  fool  as  I  thought  I  was. 
And  knowledge  of  that  sort  is  cold  comfort  for  any 
man.  What's  this  I  see  here?  "Daring  burglary  in 
the  town  of  Castlemorgan.  During  the  early  hours 
of  the  morning,  the  house  of  Michael  Cassily  was 
broken  into,  and  five  pound  notes,  a  gentleman's 
watch  and  a  pair  of  silver  candlesticks  were  stolen. 
So  far,  no  arrests  have  been  made,  but  the  police 
have  every  hope  of  bringing  those  who  committed 
the  offence  to  justice,  because  Mr.  Cassily  states 
that  he  saw  two  men  leaving  by  the  back  entrance, 
and  found  a  piece  of  a  coat-tail  hanging  from  a  nail 
on  the  porch." 

[Me  lifts  up  his  coat,  and  discovers  a  piece  missing  from 
the  tail,  and  is  about  to  take  it  of  for  a  closer  inspection 
when  the  publican  enters  with  the  whiskey. 

DRISCOLL  (as  he  places  the  whiskey  upon  the  table) 

This   is   your   drink,   stranger,   and   believe   me,   you 
couldn't  get  a  better  drop  of  whiskey  in  the  whole 
United  Kingdom,  not  even  if  you  went  to  the  King's 
palace  itself  for  it. 
.LOGAN 

'Tis  good,  you  say. 

DRISCOLL 

None  better,  and  wonderful  stuff  to  put  heart  into  a 
man. 
LOGAN  (drinks  it  of) 

'Tis  the  good  flavor  it  has  surely.  (Pauses  awhile) 
I  think  I'll  have  another,  for  'tis  plenty  of  heart  I'll 
be  wantin'  before  the  day  goes  to  its  close. 


MAGNANIMITY  71 

DRISCOLL 

'Tis  easy  to  feel  plucky  in  the  mornin',  but  'tis  a 
brave  man  who  can  feel  happy  at  the  heel  of  day, 
especially  if  he  has  an  uneasy  conscience  and  an 
empty  stomach. 

LOGAN 

Hunger  plays  the  devil  with  us  all.  A  man  with  an 
empty  stomach,  an  empty  purse,  and  an  empty  house, 
except  for  a  scoldin'  wife,  can  never  be  happy. 

DRISCOLL 

That's  so,  but  if  that's  all  you  have  to  contend  with, 
you  haven't  much  to  worry  about.  Sure  I  thought 
by  your  looks  and  the  way  you  spoke  that  you  might 
have  killed  a  man  and  had  the  bloodhounds  after 
you. 

LOGAN 

A  man's  conscience  is  worse  than  having  bloodhounds 
after  him,  if  he  has  to  spend  months  in  idleness  through 
no  fault  of  his  own,  and  no  one  to  look  for  sympathy 
from  but  a  scoldin'  wife. 

DRISCOLL 

The  Lord  protect  us  from  scoldin'  wives,  anyway. 
They're  the  scourge  of  Hell.  But  there  are  worse 
things  than  being  married  to  a  wife  with  no  control 
over  her  temper.  You  might  be  like  the  thief  who 
broke  into  the  house  of  Michael  Cassily  and  stole  his 
grandfather's  watch  and  chain  and  silver  candlestick. 
LOGAN 

And  when  did  all  this  happen? 

DRISCOLL 

During  the  small  hours  of  the  mornin'. 

LOGAN 

That  was  a  damnable  thing  to  do. 


72  MAGNANIMITY 

DRISCOLL 

'Twas  more  foolish  than  anythin*  else,  because,  if 
Michael  Cassily  should  ever  lay  hands  upon  the  man 
who  stole  his  belongings,  he'd  shoot  at  him  the  way 
you'd  shoot  at  a  rabbit  in  a  ditch  and  kill  him  as  dead 
as  one  of  Egypt's  kings. 

LOGAN 

The  Lord  save  us!  You  don't  mean  what  you  say. 

DRISCOLL 

I  do,  and  every  word  of  it.  And  a  sure  shot  he  is  too. 
Indeed  'tis  said  that  nothing  in  the  sky  or  on  the  land 
could  escape  him  when  he  has  a  gun  in  his  hand. 

LOGAN 

I  heard  before  comin'  to  this  town  that  he  was  a  very 
quiet  and  inoffensive  man. 

DRISCOLL 

And  so  he  is  a  quiet  man  when  he's  left  alone.  But 
when  his  temper  is  up,  the  devil  himself  is  a  gentleman 
to  him. 

LOGAN 

I'll  have  another  glass  of  whiskey. 

{Exit  the  publican.     While  he  is  away,  Logan  looks  at 

the  torn  part  of  his  coat,  and  a  stranger  enters. 

BARNARD  FALVEY  (saunters  into  the  back  kitchen,  picks  a 
piece  of  wet  paper  off  the  floor,  and  tries  to  light  it  at  the 
fire  for  the  purpose  of  lighting  his  pipe,  and  after  several 
unsuccessful  attempts,  he  turns  to  Logan) 
Good  mornin',  and  God  bless  you,  stranger. 

LOGAN 

Good  mornin',  kindly. 

FALVEY 

It  looks  as  though  we  were  goin'  to  have  a  spell  of 
fine  weather. 


MAGNANIMITY  73 

LOGAN 

Judgin'  by  the  way  the  wind  is,  it  would  seem  so. 

FALVEY 

'Tis  splendid  weather  for  walkin5  or  tillin'  the  land. 
LOGAN 

'Tis  good  weather  for  anythin'. 
FALVEY 

All  the  same,  'tis  a  long  stretch  of  a  road  from  here 

to  Ballinore.    How  far  is  it,  I  wonder? 
LOGAN 

Twenty  miles  at  least. 

FALVEY 

Every  step  of  it,  and  a  long  road  for  a  man  with  the 
rheumatics  and  bronchitis  too. 

LOGAN 

And  what  brought  you  from  Ballinore? 

FALVEY 

And  what  would  bring  any  poor  man  from  his  native 
town  but  lookin'  for  work.     And  that's  a  hard  thing 
to  be  doin'  when  a  man  hasn't  a  friend  to  help  him 
towards  a  job. 
LOGAN 

A  man  can  always  make  friends  if  he  wants  to. 

FALVEY 

'Tis  no  easy  thing  for  a  man  who  hasn't  a  sleutherin* 
tongue  and  the  takin*  way  with  him  to  make  friends, 
stranger. 

LOGAN 

'Tis  easy  enough  to  make  fine  weather  friends.  But 
I  suppose  a  friend  isn't  worth  a  damn  unless  he  can 
help  a  man  when  he's  in  trouble. 

FALVEY 

To  have  a  lot  of  money  is  the  easiest  way  of  makin* 


74  MAGNANIMITY 


friends.     But  when  a  man  hasn't  either  money  or  the 

sleutherin'  tongue,  he  can't  expect  to  have  any  more 

of  the  world's  goods  than  myself. 
LOGAN 

And  have  you  no  friends  at  all  among  all  the  millions 

of  people  on  the  face  of  the  earth? 
FALVEY 

The  devil  a  one  ever  bothers  their  head  about  me  but 

myself.    And  what  I  can  do  for  myself  is  hardly  worth 

doin'  for  any  one. 
LOGAN 

After  all,  when  a  man  has  his  health  and  enough  to 

eat,  he  should  be  contented. 

FALVEY 

But  how  could  you  expect  the  likes  of  me  to  be  con 
tented  when  I  didn't  break  my  fast  this  blessed  day 
yet,  and  all  I  have  in  the  world  is  the  bit  of  tobacco 
you  see  in  my  old  pipe,  and  unless  you're  not  as  dacent 
as  you  look,  'tis  hungry  maybe  I'll  be  until  I  find  a 
turnip  field  before  the  fall  of  night. 
LOGAN 

Would  you  drink  a  pint  of  porter  and  eat  a  penny  bun? 

FALVEY 

Indeed  I  would,  and  remember  the  one  in  my  prayers 

who'd  give  them  to  me. 
LOGAN  (knocks  and  the  publican  enters) 

Bring  this  man  a  pint  of  porter  and  give  him  one  of 

the  penny  buns  or  two  that  you  have  on  the  porter 

barrel  in  the  shop. 
DRISCOLL 

Indeed  I  will  and  much  good  may  they  do  him. 

[Places  pint  of  porter  and  bread  in  front  of  Falvey  who 

begins  to  eat  and  drink. 


MAGNANIMITY  75 


FALVEY 

God  bless  your  noble  soul  and  may  you  be  long  spared 
to  do  good  in  the  world.     (As  he  eats)     There's  no 
sauce  like  hunger,  and  no  friend  like  the  friend  in  need. 
LOGAN 

That's  true.  Now  tell  me,  do  you  expect  to  get  work 
in  this  town? 

FALVEY 

'Tis  my  intention  to  try. 
LOGAN 

You'd  have  as  much  chance  of  slippin'  into  heaven 
with  your  soul  as  black  as  a  skillet  from  mortal  sins, 
unknownst  to  St.  Peter,  as  you'd  have  of  gettin*  a 
job  with  an  old  coat  like  that. 

FALVEY 

And  what  can  I  do,  God  help  me,  when  I  have  no 
other? 

LOGAN 

I'll  swap  with  you,  and  then  you'll  have  some  chance, 
but  otherwise  you  might  as  well  walk  back  to  where 
you  came  from. 
FALVEY 

But  I  couldn't  take  a  coat  from  a  strange  gentleman 
like  yourself  and  have  an  easy  conscience.  Sure,  this 
old  coat  of  mine  is  only  fit  to  be  used  for  a  scarecrow. 

LOGAN 

You're  a  fool  to  be  talkin'  like  that,  stranger.  Don't 
you  know  that  you  must  take  all  you  can  get  and  give 
away  as  little  as  you  can  if  you  want  to  be  successful 
in  life? 

FALVEY 

And  why,  then,  should  you  be  givin'  me  your  coat 
when  you  want  it  yourself? 


76  MAGNANIMITY 


LOGAN 

You  had  better  say  no  more,  lest  I  might  change  my 
mind.  Sure,  'tis  sorry  I  may  be  to-night  when  I'm 
facing  the  cold  winds  on  the  lonely  roads  that  I  ex 
changed  my  fine  warm  coat  for  an  old  threadbare 
garment  that  a  rag  man  wouldn't  give  a  child  a  lump 
of  candy  for. 

FALVEY 

Sure,  St.  Francis  himself  couldn't  do  more,  and  he 
that  tore  his  coat  in  two  and  shared  it  with  the  beggars. 

LOGAN 

'Tis  easy  for  a  saint  of  God  to  be  good,  when  he  feels 
that  he'll  be  rewarded  for  his  self-sacrifice,  but  have 
no  more  old  talk  and  give  me  that  old  coat  of  yours, 
or  if  you  don't  I  might  change  my  mind,  and  then 
you'll  have  plenty  of  time  to  regret  your  foolishness. 

FALVEY 

Very  well,  stranger,  very  well.  (They  exchange  coats) 
May  the  Lord  spare  you  all  the  days  you  want  to 
live,  and  may  you  never  want  for  any  thin'  but  the 
ill  wishes  of  your  enemies. 

LOGAN 

That  coat  makes  you  look  like  a  gentleman,  and  if 
you  only  had  a  better  hat,  and  a  good  shave,  you 
might  get  some  old  widow  with  a  small  farm  to  marry 
you,  if  you  are  a  bachelor. 

FALVEY 

Of  course  I'm  a  bachelor.  Who'd  be  bothered  with 
the  likes  of  me  for  a  husband.  Sure,  I  wouldn't  raise 
my  hand  to  a  woman  in  a  thousand  years,  and  what 
do  women  care  about  a  man  unless  he  can  earn  lots 
of  money  and  leather  the  devil  out  of  them  when  they 
don't  behave  themselves? 


MAGNANIMITY  77 

LOGAN 

That's  true.  And  when  a  man  hasn't  any  money  to 
give  his  wife,  the  next  best  thing  to  do  is  to  give  her  a 
good  beatin'. 

FALVEY 

That's  what  my  father  used  to  say.  But  'tis  the  lucky 
thing  for  me  all  the  same  that  I'm  not  married,  an' 
that  I  strayed  into  a  house  like  this  to-day.  Yet  I 
don't  think  'tis  a  bit  fair  for  me  to  be  wearin'  your 
fine  coat  and  you  wearin'  mine.  You  don't  look  a 
bit  comfortable  in  it. 
LOGAN 

I  feel  comfortable,  and  far  more  comfortable  than  you 
can  imagine;  and  after  all  that's  what  matters.  Every 
eye  forms  its  own  beauty,  and  when  the  heart  is 
young,  it  doesn't  matter  how  old  you  are. 

FALVEY 

That's  true!     That's  true!     But  'tis  the  dacent  man 
you  are,  nevertheless,  and  'tisn't  the  likes  of  you  that 
a  poor  man  like  myself  meets  every  day. 
LOGAN 

No,  and  it  may  be  a  long  time  again  before  you  will 
meet  another  like  me.  But  be  that  as  it  may,  I  must 
be  going  now,  so  here's  a  shillin'  for  you  and  go  to  the 
barber's  next  door  and  have  a  shave  before  startin' 
to  look  for  work.  (Hands  shilling)  Good-by. 

FALVEY 

Good-by,  God  bless  you  and  long  life  to  you. 
[Exit  Logan.     Enter  an  old  friend. 

GARRET  DEVLIN   (walks  slowly  and  takes  the  newspaper 
from  the  table,  looks  at  the  clock) 

Only  half-past  ten,  and  damn  the  bit  to  do.  Ah, 
me!  ah,  me!  One  bloody  day  like  another! 


78  MAGNANIMITY 


on  the  chair  and  yawns.    Knocks  for  the  publican. 
Enter  DriscolL 
DRISCOLL 

Good  mornin',  Garret.    Any  thin'  new  to-day? 

DEVLIN 

Yes,  I  have  good  news  this  mornin'. 
DRISCOLL 

An'  what  is  it? 

DEVLIN 

Oh,  not  much,  only  that  a  grand-uncle  of  mine  is 
after  dyin'  in  America  and  leavin'  me  a  fortune  of  a 
hundred  thousand  pounds. 
DRISCOLL  (sceptically) 

That's  a  terrible  responsibility  for  a  poor  man  to  have 
thrust  upon  him.  What  are  you  going  to  do  with  it  at 
all? 

DEVLIN 

Well,  I  was  thinkin'  of  buy  in'  a  new  suit  of  clothes  and 
dividin'  what's  left  between  the  poor  of  the  town,  the 
Sisters  of  Charity,  and  the  Salvation  Army. 

DRISCOLL 

Wisha,  I'm  sick  and  tired  of  hearin'  old  yarns  like 
that.  I  suppose  'tis  the  way  that  you  want  a  half 
a  glass  of  whiskey  and  haven't  the  price  of  it. 

DEVLIN 

How  dare  you  insinuate  such  a  thing.  (Places  a  sover 
eign  on  the  table)  Give  me  a  half  a  whiskey  and  no 
more  old  talk  out  of  you. 

DRISCOLL 
And  where  did  you  get  all  that  money? 

DEVLIN 

That's  my  business.    I  got  it  from  the  captain  in  the 


MAGNANIMITY  79 


Salvation  Army  when  I  told  him  how  much  money  I 
was  goin'  to  give  him  by  and  by. 

DRISCOLL 

Well,  that's  the  first  and  last  donation  you'll  ever 
get  from  the  Salvation  Army.  Sure,  if  you  got  all 
the  money  that  was  to  be  left  to  you  since  I  knew  you 
first,  you'd  be  buildin'  libraries  all  over  the  world  like 
Carnegie  to  advertise  your  vanity. 

DEVLIN 

Tis  nothin'  to  you  whether  I  will  build  libraries  or 
public  houses  for  the  poor  when  I'll  get  all  the  money 
that's  comin'  to  me. 

DRISCOLL 

Ah,  wisha,  I'm  about  sick  and  tired  of  hearin'  all  the 
things  you're  going  to  do. 

DEVLIN  (crossly) 

I  don't  give  a  damn  whether  you  are  or  not.  Go  and 
get  me  the  whiskey,  or  I'll  get  it  elsewhere. 

DRISCOLL  (plausibly) 

Very  well,  very  well!    I'll  get  you  the  whiskey. 

\_ExiL 
DEVLIN  (to  Falvey,  who  is  still  eating  his  loaf  of  bread) 

Good  mornin',  stranger. 
FALVEY 

Good  mornin'  and  good  luck,  sir. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis  a  fine  mornin'. 

FALVEY 

A  glorious  mornin',  thank  God. 

DEVLIN 

Is  that  your  breakfast  that  you're  eatin'? 


80  MAGNINIMITY 


FALVEY 

Indeed  it  is,  stranger,  and  maybe  my  dinner  and 
supper  too. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis  the  hell  of  a  thing  to  be  poor. 

FALVEY 

Sure  'tis  myself  that  knows  it. 

DEVLIN 

And  'tis  as  bad  to  be  rich  and  not  to  be  able  to  get 
any  of  your  money  like  myself. 

FALVEY 

There's  trouble  in  everythin',  but  no  respect  for  the 
poor. 

DEVLIN 

None  whatever!  none  whatever!  And  no  greater 
misfortune  could  befall  a  man  than  to  be  poor  and 
honest  at  the  same  time.  But  all  the  same  I'll  be  a 
millionaire  when  my  money  comes  from  America. 

FALVEY 

America  must  be  a  great  country.  One  man  is  as 
good  as  another  there,  I  believe. 

DEVLIN 

So  they  say,  when  both  of  them  have  nothin'.  (Look 
ing  hard  at  the  stranger)  Tell  me,  haven't  I  seen 
you  somewhere  before?  What's  that  your  name  is? 

FALVEY 

My  name  is  Bernard  Falvey,  and  I  come  from  Balli- 
nore. 

DEVLIN 

Well,  well,  to  be  sure,  and  I'm  Garret  Devlin,  your 
mother's  first  cousin!  Who'd  ever  think  of  meetin' 
you  here.  The  world  is  a  small  place  after  all! 


MAGNANIMITY  81 


FALVEY 

It  must  be  fifteen  or  more  years  since  last  we  met. 

DEVLIN 

Every  day  of  it.  And  what  have  you  been  doing 
since?  I'd  hardly  know  you  at  all,  the  way  you  have 
changed. 

FALVEY 

Workin'  when  I  wasn't  idle  and  idle  when  I  wasn't 
workin',  but  in  trouble  all  the  time. 

DEVLIN 

You're  like  myself.  I  too  only  exchange  one  kind  of 
trouble  for  another.  When  I  got  married  I  had  to 
live  with  the  wife's  mother  for  two  years,  and  when 
she  died,  I  had  to  support  my  widowed  sister-in-law's 
three  children.  And  when  they  were  rared  and  fit 
to  be  earnin'  for  themselves  and  be  a  help  to  me,  they 
got  drowned.  Then  my  poor  wife  lost  her  senses,  and  I 
haven't  had  peace  or  ease  ever  since.  She  thinks  that 
she  is  the  Queen  of  England,  and  that  I'm  the  King. 

FAVLEY 

An'  have  you  no  children? 
DEVLIN 
One  boy. 

FALVEY 

An'  what  does  he  do  for  a  livin'? 

DEVLIN 

He's  a  private  in  the  militia,  and  his  mother  thinks 

he's  the  Prince  of  Wales. 
FALVEY 

God  help  us  all,  but  'tis  the  queer  things  that  happen 

to  the  poor. 
DEVLIN 

An'  what  are  you  doin'  in  these  parts? 


82  MAGNANIMITY 

FALVEY 

Lookin'  for  work. 

DEVLIN 

An*  that  itself  is  the  worst  kind  of  hardship.  I  don't 
think  that  there's  much  doin'  these  times  for  the 
natives,  not  to  mention  the  strangers,  though  'tis 
the  strangers  get  the  pickings  wherever  they  go. 
We'll  have  a  look  at  the  newspaper  and  see  what's 
doin'  anyway.  (Reads  from  the  advertisement  columns) 
"Wanted  a  respectable  man,  to  act  as  a  coachman  to 
His  Lordship  the  Bishop.  He  must  have  a  good  ap 
pearance,  have  sober  habits,  and  a  knowledge  of 
horses  and  the  ways  of  the  clergy." 
That  won't  do. 

"Wanted,  a  young  man  of  dashing  appearance,  with 
a  good  vocabulary  to  act  as  travelling  salesman,  must 
be  well  recommended,  and  have  a  thorough  knowledge 
of  the  dry  goods  business." 
That  won't  do  either. 

"Wanted,  a  middle-aged  man  to  act  as  companion  to 
an  invalid.    He  must  have  a  knowledge  of  French  and 
German,  and  be  able  to  play  the  violin." 
That  won't  do. 

"Wanted  a  man  to  make  himself  generally  useful  at 
an   undertaker's   establishment.     Apply    to    Michael 
Cassily.    William  O'Brien  St." 
Bedad,  but  that's  the  very  job  for  you. 

FALVEY 

But  how  am  I  to  get  it? 

DEVLIN 

I'll  give  you  a  letter  of  introduction  to  Micky  Cassily. 
He's  an  old  friend  of  mine. 


MAGNANIMITY 83 

FALVEY 

Sure,  that  would  be  a  great  thing  entirely. 
DEVLIN 

Wait  now,  and  I'll  make  a  man  of  you,  and  if  you 

should  ever  become  Lord  Mayor  of  Cork  or  Dublin, 

you  must  not  forget  me. 
FALVEY 

Indeed,  I'll  never  be  able  to  forget  this  blessed  day, 

and  the  kindness  of  the  people  I  have  met  in  Castle- 

morgan. 

[Knocks  for  the  publican,   and  walks   up  and  down; 

when  the  publican  enters,  he  assumes  an  air  of  great 

importance. 
DRISCOLL 

What's  the  matter? 
DEVLIN 

I  want  you  to  oblige  me  with  a  few  sheets  of  note 

paper,  a  bottle  of  ink,  and  a  writin'  pen. 
DRISCOLL 

And  what  do  you  want  them  for? 
DEVLIN 

To  write  a  letter  of  introduction  for  this  poor  man 

here.     He's  lookin'  for  work,  and  I  want  to  help  him 

to  get  it. 
DRISCOLL 

Then  I'll  give  them  to  you  with  pleasure. 

[Exit. 

DEVLIN 

You  needn't  worry  any  more.  I'll  get  a  job  for  you. 
Micky  and  myself  are  old  friends.  He  buried  my 
father  and  mother  and  all  belongin'  to  me.  And 
although  I  do  say  it  myself,  there  isn't  a  better  under 
taker  from  here  to  Dublin.  He's  as  good  a  judge  of  a 


84  MAGNANIMITY 


dead  man  as  any  one  you  ever  met,  and  could  measure 
the  size  of  a  coffin  without  using  the  tape  at  all. 
[Enter  Driscoll. 

DRISCOLL  (as  he  places  writing  materials  on  the  table] 
Here's  the  writing  material,  and  may  good  luck  attend 
you. 

DEVLIN 

Thank  you,  very  much.      (To  Falvey)     Now  to  busi 
ness. 

[They  both  sit  at  the  table,  and  Devlin  commences  to 
write. 

Deadwoman's  Hill, 

Goulnaspurra. 
Dear  Mr.  Cassily: 

I  have  the  hon  —  how's  that  you  spell  honour?  — 
h-o-n-n-o-u-r,  of  course.  Yes,  that's  right.  I  have  the 
honour,  and  likewise  the  (pauses)  unprecedented  — 
that's  not  an  easy  word  to  spell  —  u-n-p-r-ee-s-c-ee-d- 
e-n-t-e-d  —  that  wasn't  such  a  hard  word  after  all, 
and  it  looks  fine  in  print  (repeats)  unprecedented  and 
the  great  pleasure  —  that  spells  p-1-e-a-s-u-r  —  of  in 
troducing,  that's  a  stumbler  of  a  word,  —  i-n-t-r-d  — 
(to  Falvey)  Can  you  spell  the  rest  of  it? 

FALVEY 

i-n-t-e-r-w-e-i-n  — 

DEVLIN 

No.     That's    not    right.     We    had    better   call   Bill 
Driscoll.     Are  you  there,  Bill? 
[Enter  Driscoll. 

DRISCOLL 

What's  the  matter? 

DEVLIN 

We  want  you  to  spell  "introducing." 


MAGNANIMITY  85 


DRISCOLL  (wiping  a  pint  measure) 

With  pleasure.     (Confidently)     i-n-t-u-r-d-e-w-c-i-n-g. 
DEVLIN 

Are  you  sure  that  is  right? 
DRISCOLL 

Of  course  I  am.    What  do  you  think  I  went  to  school 

for? 

DEVLIN 

Very  well,  I'll  take  your  word  for  it.  But  stay  here 
awhile,  because  we  may  want  your  assistance  soon 
again.  This  is  an  important  matter,  and  we  must 
give  all  our  attention  to  it.  I  have  the  honor  and 
likewise  the  unprecedented  and  the  great  pleasure  of 
introducing  to  you  a  cousin  of  my  own  on  my  mother's 
side,  one  Barney  Falvey.  He  is  a  man  of  many  and 
n-e-w-m-e-r-o-w-s.  (To  Driscoll)  Isn't  that  right? 
DRISCOLL 

That's  all  right.     Proceed. 

DEVLIN 

-  numerous  a-c-o-m-p-l-i-s-h-m-e-n-t-s.    That  sounds 
wrong,  doesn't  it? 
DRISCOLL 

It  sounds  wrong,  but  let  it  go.  No  one  will  ever  notice 
the  mistake,  when  we  can't  find  it  out  ourselves. 

DEVLIN 

He  has  an  i-n-g-a-n-o-s  turn  of  mind,  and  can  do  all 
kinds  of  hard  or  easy  work.  He  can  p-l-o-w  a  field, 
milk  a  cow,  mind  childer,  and  make  nearly  every 
thing  from  a  bird  cage,  a  mousetrap,  or  a  snuff  box, 
to  a  coffin.  He  is  w-i-1-i-n,  o-b-1-i-g-i-n,  and  can  put 
up  with  all  kinds  of  abuse.  He  can  look  i-n-o-s-c-e-n-t 
or  guilty,  as  the  occasion  may  require  and  will,  I'm 
sure,  and  certain,  taking  his  accomplishments  all 


MAGNANIMITY 


round,  prove  to  be  the  very  man  you  are  lookin'  for 
to  fill  the  v-a-k-a-n-c-y  in  your  highly  respected 
e-s-t-a-b-1-i-shment.  Anythin'  you  can  do  for  him 
will  be  considered  a  personal  f-a-v-o-u-r  by  your  old 
and  e-s-t-e-a-m-ed  friend, 

Garret  Devlin. 
^He  reads  it  over  again  aloud. 

"Deadwoman's  Hill, 

Goulnaspurra. 
"Dear  Mr.  Cassily: 

"I  have  the  honour  and  likewise  the  unprecedented 
and  great  pleasure  of  introducin'  to  you  a  cousin  of 
my  own  on  my  mother's  side,  one  Barney  Falvey.  He 
is  a  man  of  many  parts  and  numerous  accomplish 
ments.  He  has  an  ingenious  turn  of  mind  and  can  do 
all  kinds  of  hard  and  easy  work.  He  can  plow  a  field, 
milk  a  cow,  mind  childer,  and  make  nearly  every  thin' 
from  a  bird  cage,  a  mousetrap,  or  a  snuff  box,  to 
a  coffin.  He  is  willin'  and  obligin'  and  can  put  up 
with  all  kinds  of  abuse.  He  can  look  innocent  or 
guilty  as  the  occasion  may  require,  and  will,  I  am 
certain  and  confident,  taking  his  accomplishments  all 
round,  prove  to  be  the  very  man  you  are  lookin'  for 
to  fill  the  vacancy  in  your  highly  respected  establish 
ment.  Anythin'  that  you  can  do  for  him  will  be  con 
sidered  a  personal  favour  by  your  old  and  esteemed 
friend, 

"Garret  Devlin." 

That's  a  great  letter.  Be  God,  sure  'twould  nearly 
get  the  job  for  myself.  But  it  would  never  do  for  one 
of  my  social  standin'  to  take  such  a  position  in  this 
town. 


MAGNANIMITY  87 


FALVEY 

'Tis  a  great  thing  to  be  able  to  put  so  many  words 
together  on  paper.  And  'tis  the  wonderful  gift  to 
have  surely.  A  man  that  could  write  like  you  should 
be  a  secretary  to  the  Lord  Lieutenant  himself,  or 
writin'  sermons  for  the  Pope  of  Rome. 
DEVLIN 

Now,  no  more  old  palaver,  talk  is  cheap,  but  it  takes 
money  to  buy  whiskey.  Look  as  smart  as  you  can 
(hands  letter),  and  deliver  this  letter  before  it's  too 
late.  There's  nothin'  like  doin*  things  with  despatch 
when  you're  in  a  hurry.  Wait,  your  face  is  none  too 
clean.  Where's  your  handkerchief?  (Hands  him  an 
old  dirty  handkerchief.  Pie  drains  the  dregs  of  a  pewter 
pint  on  the  handkerchief,  and  wipes  his  face  with  it. 
Then  he  looks  at  Falvey's  boots)  Glory  be  to  God! 
but  you're  a  very  careless  man!  When  did  you  clean 
these  boots  last? 

FALVEY 

Wisha,   who  could  keep  boots  clean  upon  the  dirty 

roads. 

[Takes  off  his  old  hat  and  wipes  his  boots  with  it. 

DEVLIN 

That's  better.     Now  take  off  that  old  tie,  and  I'll 
give  you  mine.     But  you  must  return  it  to  me  when 
you  get  the  job.    It  belonged  to  my  grandfather,  and 
it  always  brought  luck  to  the  family. 
[They  exchange  ties,  and  Devlin's  toilet  is  completed  by 
brushing  the  legs  of  his  old  trousers  with  a  sweeping 
brush. 
DEVLIN  (looking  at  him  approvingly) 

If  you  always  kept  yourself  as  respectable  lookin*  as 
that,  you  would  never  want  for  work,  I'm  thinkin'. 


88  MAGNANIMITY 


FALVEY  (looking  at  himself  in  an  old  mirror) 

There's  somethin'  in  what  you  say.    Sure  my  mother 

always  told  me  I  was  the  best  lookin'  in  the  family. 
DEVLIN 

That  may  be,  but  your  beauty  isn't  of  the  fatal  kind. 

(Shaking  hands  with  him)     Good  luck  now,  and  I'll 

wait  here  until  you'll  return. 
FALVEY 

God  bless  you,  God  bless  you,  I'll  be  back  as  soon 

as  I  can. 

[Exit. 
DEVLIN    (knocks    and    orders    another    half   of   whiskey) 

Another  half  one.    That  letter  took  a  lot  out  of  me. 
DRISCOLL 

Literature,  they  say,  is  always  a  great  strain  on  a 

man's  vitality.    I  was  offered  a  job  as  proof  reader  on 

a  newspaper  one  time,  but  my  friends  advised  me  not 

to  take  it. 

DEVLIN 

Your  friends  were  wise.     Stayin'  up  at  night  is  bad 
for  any  man.    'Tis  hard  enough  to  be  up  in  the  mornin' 
without  bein'  up  at  night  as  well. 
DRISCOLL  (places  drink  on  table) 
That's  true. 

[Exit.     A  man  of  about  forty-five  enters,  with  a  pint  of 
porter  in  his  hand.    He  sits  near  Devlin. 

BARRY    NAGLE 

Good  mornin',  stranger. 

DEVLIN 

Good  mornin'. 

NAGLE 

'Tis  a  fine  day  for  this  time  of  year. 


MAGNANIMITY  89 


DEVLIN 

This  would  be  a  fine  day  for  any  part  of  the  year. 

NAGLE 

Fine  weather  is  the  least  of  the  good  things  that  the 
poor  is  entitled  to. 

DEVLIN 

The  poor  have  their  wants,  of  course,  but  the  rich, 
bad  luck  and  misfortune  to  them  one  and  all,  have 
their  troubles  also,  because  they  don't  know  what 
they  want,  the  discontented,  lazy,  good-for-nothin' 
varmints.  May  they  all  perish  be  their  own  folly 
before  the  world  or  their  money  comes  to  an  end. 

NAGLE 

'Tis  only  the  poor  who  knows  how  bad  the  rich  are. 
And  only  the  rich  that  can  be  hard  on  the  poor.  Have 
you  a  match,  if  you  please? 

DEVLIN  (handing  a  box) 
You'll  find  plenty  in  that. 

NAGLE 

All  the  comfort  some  of  us  have  in  this  world  is  a 
smoke,  that's  when  we  have  the  tobacco,  of  course. 
DEVLIN 

There'll  be  smokin'  enough  in  the  next  world,  they 
say,  but  that's  cold  comfort  to  a  man  without  the 
fillin's  of  a  pipe  or  a  match  to  light  it. 

NAGLE 

'Tis  a  great  misfortune  to  be  born  at  all. 
DEVLIN 

That's  what  I've  often  been  thinkin'.  And  many's 
the  time  I've  cursed  the  day  that  my  father  met  my 
mother.  (Sadly)  'Twould  be  better  for  us  all  in  spite 
of  what  the  clergy  say  that  we  were  all  Protestants, 


90  MAGNANIMITY 

or  else  died  before  we  came  to  the  use  of  reason. 
But  things  might  be  worse. 

NAGLE 

Trouble  comes  to  us  all,  and  'tis  a  consolation  to 
know  that  the  King  must  die  as  well  as  the  beggar. 
Think  of  me,  and  I  after  losin'  my  return  ticket  to 
Carlow,  and  I  must  be  there  to-night  even  if  I  have 
to  walk  every  step  of  the  way. 
DEVLIN 

And  haven't  you  the  price  of  your  ticket? 

NAGLE 

The  devil  a  penny  at  all  have  I,  and  unless  I  can  sell 
my  watch  to  buy  my  ticket  with,  I'll  lose  my  job,  and 
then  my  wife  and  family  must  go  to  the  workhouse. 
DEVLIN 

God  himself  seems  to  be  no  friend  of  the  poor.  That 
was  a  terrible  calamity  to  befall  a  stranger.  How 
much  will  your  ticket  cost? 

NAGLE 

Ten  shillin's,  and  I'm  willin'  to  part  with  my  watch 
for  that  triflin'  sum,  though  'twas  my  poor  father's, 
rest  his  soul.  (Holds  watch  in  his  hand)  Look  at  it, 
'tis  as  fine  a  timepiece  as  eyes  ever  rested  on.  A  solid 
silver  watch,  and  a  chain  of  solid  gold,  and  all  for  ten 
shillin's.  And  history  enough  attached  to  it  to  write 
a  book. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis  a  bargain  surely. 

NAGLE 

A  man  wearin'  a  watch  and  chain  like  that  would  get 
credit  anywhere  he'd  be  known,  though  'twould  be 
no  use  to  a  stranger. 


MAGNANIMITY  91 

DEVLIN 

Leave  me  see  how  'twould  look  on  me.  (The  stranger 
hands  him  the  watch,  and  Devlin  adjusts  it  to  his  vest 
front,  walks  up  and  down  the  room,  and  looks  in  the 
glass)  Bedad,  but  you're  right.  It  does  make  a  man 
feel  good,  and  maybe  better  than  he  is. 

NAGLE 

A  man  walkin'  into  a  friend's  house  with  ornamenta 
tion  on  him  like  that  would  get  the  lend  of  anythin'. 

DEVLIN  (confidently) 
I  believe  he  would. 

NAGLE 

Indeed  you  may  say  so. 

DEVLIN 

And  you'll  sell  it  for  ten  shillin's. 

NAGLE 

Yes,  if  you'll  be  quick  about  it,  because  I  must  catch 
the  train  and  get  home  as  soon  as  I  can. 
DEVLIN 

Does  it  keep  good  time? 

NAGLE 

'Tis  the  best  timekeeper  that  ever  was. 
DEVLIN  (places  watch  to  his  ear) 

It  has  a  good  strong  tick,  anyway.     I'll  give  you  the 

ten  shillin's  for  it.     Here  you  are. 
NAGLE  (takes  the  money) 

Thank  you  kindly,  though  it  nearly  breaks  my  heart 

to  part  with  it. 
DEVLIN 

Life  is  made  up  of  comin'  and  goin',  and  what  we  lose 

to-day  we  may  gain  to-morrow,  and  lose  again  the 

next  day. 


92  MAGNANIMITY 

NAGLE 

One  man's  loss  is  another  man's  profit,  and  that's  how 
the  world  keeps  movin'. 

DEVLIN 

True.  And  there's  no  use  in  being  alive  unless  we 
can  help  each  other.  Sure  'tis  for  each  other,  and 
not  by  each  other,  that  we  should  live. 

NAGLE 

'Pon  my  word,  but  to  know  how  to  live  is  the  greatest 
problem  of  all. 

DEVLIN 

That's  so.  Sometimes  'tis  foolish  to  be  wise  and  other 
times  'tis  wise  to  be  foolish,  but  the  sensible  man  will 
always  look  out  for  himself  and  let  his  friends  look 
after  his  enemies. 

NAGLE 

Every  word  you  say  is  true,  but  I  must  be  goin'  or  I'll 
lose  the  train.  So  I'll  bid  you  good-by  and  good  luck. 

DEVLIN 

Good  day  and  good  luck  to  you  also.  (Exit  Nagle) 
The  stranger  was  right.  A  man  with  a  watch  and 
chain  like  this,  and  able  to  tell  every  one  the  time  of 
day,  could  get  as  much  on  his  word  as  he'd  want. 
[Buttons  his  coat  and  takes  up  the  newspaper,  sits  in 
the  chair  and  commences  to  read.  He  is  soon  disturbed 
by  the  entrance  of  Bernard  Falvey,  Michael  Cassily, 
two  policemen,  and  several  of  the  townspeople. 

FIRST  POLICEMAN  (pointing  to  Devlin) 

Is  this  the  man  who  gave  you  the  letter  of  introduction? 

FALVEY 

That's  the  man  who  has  brought  all  this  trouble  on 
me,  but  I'm  as  innocent  as  the  babe  unborn  of  the 
charge  of  burglary. 


MAGNANIMITY  93 


FIRST    POLICEMAN 

Hold  your  tongue,  I  say.  What  greater  proof  could 
we  have  than  the  torn  coat  which  you're  wearin'? 

FALVEY 

I  tell  you  that  I  got  this  coat  from  a  stranger  I  met 
in  this  house,  this  mornin'. 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

And  sure  you're  the  one  who  can  look  innocent,  be 
lieve  me.  But  this  won't  be  much  good  to  you  when 
you  go  before  the  magistrates.  Now  we'll  deal  with 
your  partner.  (Places  his  hand  on  Devlin's  shoulder) 
I  must  arrest  you  on  suspicion  for  being  an  accomplice 
of  this  strange  man  here  who  broke  into  Mr.  Michael 
Cassily's  establishment  last  night,  and  stole  five  pound 
notes,  two  silver  candlesticks  and  a  silver  watch  and 
golden  chain. 

DEVLIN 

Is  it  madness  that  has  come  upon  the  crowd  of  you? 
Me  that  never  stole  anythin'  in  my  life,  to  be  accused 
of  robbin'  from  a  dacent  man  like  Michael  Cassily! 

SECOND    POLICEMAN 

Search  him,  constable. 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

Of  course,  I  will.  (He  opens  his  coat,  finds  the  watch 
and  chain,  takes  it  off,  hands  it  to  Michael  Cassily) 
Is  that  yours? 

CASSILY 

Yes,  constable,  that's  the  watch  and  chain  that  was 
stolen  from  my  house  this  mornin'. 

FIRST   POLICEMAN 

What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself  now? 


94  MAGNANIMITY 

DEVLIN 

Nothin',  only  that  I  paid  ten  shillin's  to  a  stranger 
less  than  half  an  hour  ago. 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

And  where  did  you  get  the  ten  shillin's,  you  that 
haven't  had  ten  shillin's  of  your  own  altogether  for 
ten  years,  but  always  borrowin'  money  and  tellin'  the 
people  that  you  are  goin'  to  inherit  a  fortune  from 
America? 
DEVLIN 

Tis  the  truth  I'm  tellin'  you. 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

Nonsense,  nonsense.  What  greater  proof  could  we 
have  of  your  guilt?  This  man  here  who  you  gave  the 
letter  of  introduction  is  a  stranger  to  the  town  and 
the  piece  of  cloth  that  Mr.  Cassily  found  hangin'  on 
a  nail  in  his  back  porch  after  the  burglary  was  com 
mitted,  is  the  piece  of  cloth  that  is  missin'  from  this 
man's  coat.  (Fits  the  piece  of  cloth)  And  we  have 
found  the  identical  watch  and  chain  on  your  own 
person. 

SECOND    POLICEMAN 

'Twas  a  clever  scheme  of  the  pair  of  them  and  no 
doubt  about  it. 

CASSILY 

I  never  thought  that  any  one  could  add  insult  to 
injury  in  such  a  manner.  I  was  always  a  friend  to 
you,  Garret  Devlin,  and  you  tried  to  get  this  man 
who  had  already  robbed  me,  a  position  in  my  estab 
lishment  so  that  he  could  rob  me  all  the  more. 

FALVEY 

As  sure  as  my  great-grandfather  is  dead  and  gone,  I 


MAGNANIMITY  95 


tell  you  that  I  got  this  coat  from  a  stranger  in  this 
very  house. 

DEVLIN 

And  as  sure  as  the  devil  has  paid  a  visit  this  blessed 
day  to  Castlemorgan,  I  tell  you  I  bought  that  watch 
and  chain  from  a  stranger  also.  William  Driscoll 
will  prove  that  there  were  two  such  men  in  his 
house. 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

If  William  Driscoll  says  a  word  in  your  defence,  he'll 
be  arrested  on  suspicion  also.  (To  the  publican)  What 
have  you  to  say? 

DRISCOLL 

Not  a  word,  constable,  not  a  word.     I  know  nothin' 
at  all  about  the  matter  except  readin*  the  account  of 
the  dreadful  affair  in  the  mornin'  paper. 
[First   policeman   places   the   handcuffs   on    both,    and 
walks  them  towards  the  door. 

DEVLIN 

What's  goin*  to  happen  to  us  at  all,  at  all? 

FIRST    POLICEMAN 

The  judge  will  tell  you  that  at  the  next  assizes. 

CURTAIN 


MATCHMAKERS 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


CHARACTERS 

DONAL  CORCORAN A  farmer 

MARY  ELLEN  CORCORAN Wife  of  Donal  Corcoran 

KITTY  CORCORAN Daughter  of  Ellen  and  Do 
nal  Corcoran 

DENIS  DELAHUNTY A  farmer 

ANASTATIA  DEALHUNTY Wife  of  Denis  Delahunty 

CONSTABLE  DUNLEA A  member  of  the  R.  I.  C. 


MATCHMAKERS 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 

Place:  An  island  off  the  West  coast  of  Ireland. 

Scene:  Interior  of  Donal  Cor cor an' s  house.  Donal  and 
his  wife  seated  in  two  comfortable  armchairs  by  the  parlour 
fire.  The  parlour  is  well  furnished,  and  Kitty  is  busy  dust 
ing,  as  visitors  are  expected.  Donal  is  a  man  of  about 
fifty-six  years,  and  his  wife  is  a  little  younger.  Donal  is 
reading  a  copy  of  the  Galway  Examiner,  and  his  wife  is 
knitting  a  stocking. 

DONAL  (as  he  stretches  the  paper  in  front  of  him.     With  a 

look  of  surprise) 

Glory  be  to  God! 

MRS.  CORCORAN   (who  does  not  notice  his  attitude  or   ex 
pression) 

Amen ! 
DONAL   (holds  the  paper  with  one  hand,  and  brushes  the 

hair  from  his  forehead  with  the  other) 

Is  it  the  way  that  I'm  dreamin',  or  losin'  my  senses? 

Or  is  it  the  way  I  have  no  senses  to  lose? 
MRS.  CORCORAN  (looking  up  from  her  knitting) 

Wisha,  what's  the  matter,  at  all?    Did  any  one  die  and 

leave  you  a  fortune? 
DONAL 

Who  the   devil   would  die  and  leave   me  anything? 

when  I  have  no  one  belongin'  to  me  but  poor  relations. 

Bad  luck  to  them,  and  they  only  waitin'  for  myself 

to  die,  so  that  they  could  have  what  I  worked  and 


102  MATCHMAKERS 


slaved  for  all  tho^e  long  and  weary  years.  But  'tisn't 
nuirh  there  will  be  for  any  one  after  Kitty  gets  her 
dowry.  What's  left  will  be  little  enough  for  ourselves, 
I'm  thinkin'. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

But  what  have  you  seen  in  the  newspaper? 

DONAL  (reads) 

Baronetcy  for  the  chairman  of  the  Innismore  Board 
of  Guardians.  His  Majesty  the  King  has  been 
pleased  to  confer  a  Royal  favour  on  the  worthy  and 
exemplary  Denis  Delahunty,  who  in  future  will  be 
known  as  Sir  Denis  Delahunty,  Bart.,  in  recognition 
of  his  services  to  the  people  of  Innismore.  It  was 
with  a  feelin'  of  pride  and  admiration  that  — 

MRS.  CORCORAN  (as  she  drops  the  stocking  on  the  flopr, 
lifts  the  spectacles  from  her  nose,  and  places  them  on 
her  brow) 

The  Lord  protect  and  save  us  all!  Is  it  the  truth, 
I  wonder? 

DONAL  (handing  paper) 
See  for  yourself,  woman. 

MRS.  CORCORAN  (grabs  the  paper  and  scans  it  with  interest) 
Sure  enough,  there  it  is,  then,  with  five  lines  of  large 
black  letters  and  two  columns  of  small  letters  besides, 
and  his  photograph  as  well.  (To  Kitty)  Look  Kitty, 
darlin',  look.  There  'tis  all.  Sit  down  and  read  it 
aloud  for  us.  'Twill  sound  better  that  way. 

KITTY  (takes  the  paper  and  smiles.    Falls  on  a  chair  nearly 
overcome  with  laughter.     The  parents  look  on  in  amaze 
ment) 
Sir  Denis  Delahunty!     (Laughs  heartily) 

DONAL 

What  are  you  laughin'  at?    You  impudent  hussy! 


MATCHMAKERS 103 

KITTY  (still  laughing) 

Sir  Denis  Delahunty,  Bart.,  my  dear! 
DONAL 

Yes,  yes,  Sir  Denis  Delahunty.      And  what  about  it? 
KITTY 

Dinny  Delahunty,  the  old  caubogue,  a  baronet,  and 

no  less!     (Laughs) 

DONAL 

I'll  have  no  more  of  this  laughin',  I  say.  What  at  all, 
are  you  amused  at,  I'd  like  to  know? 

KITTY 

Oh,  father,  sure  'tis  a  blessing  that  some  one  has  a 
sense  of  humour,  like  myself  and  the  King.  And 
'twas  the  great  laugh  he  must  have  had  to  himself, 
when  he  made  a  baronet  of  Dinny  Delahunty.  Not 
vto  mention  all  the  other  shoneens  and  huxters,  from 
here  to  Bantry. 

DONAL 

How  dare  you  speak  to  me  like  that,  miss,  when  'tis 
yourself  that  will  be  Lady  Delahunty  one  of  these 
fine  days.  Dinny,  I  mean,  Sir  Denis  himself,  is 
comin'  here  to-night  to  make  a  match  with  his  son, 
Finbarr. 

KITTY 

Wisha,  indeed,  now!  And  who  told  you  I  am  going 
to  wed  Finbarr  Delahunty?  And  he  a  more  miserable 
shoneen  than  his  old  crawthumping  humbug  of  a 
father. 

DONAL 

If  you'll  speak  as  disrespectfully  as  that  again  about 
any  of  my  friends  you'll  be  sorry  for  it.  'Tis  I'm 
tellin'  you  that  you  are  to  wed  Finbarr  Delahunty  and 
that's  information  enough  for  you,  my  damsel. 


104 MATCHMAKERS 

KITTY 

I'll  spare  you  the  trouble  of  picking  a  man  for  me, 
father. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Don't  be  disobedient,  Kitty.     You  must  remember 

that  I  never  laid  eyes  on  your  father  until  the  mornin* 

I  met  him  at  the  altar  rails. 
KITTY 

You   should   be   ashamed   to   acknowledge   the   like, 

mother. 
DONAL 

Ashamed  of  me,  is  it?     The  father  that  rared  and 

schooled  you! 
KITTY 

I  have  said  nothing  at  all  to  offend  you,  father.    But 

I  have  already  told  you  that  I  am  going  to  pick  a 

husband  for  myself. 
DONAL 

You  are  goin'  to  pick  a  husband  for  yourself!     Are 

you,  indeed?     Ah,  sure  'tis  the  stubbornness  of  your 

mother's  people  that's  in  you. 
MRS.  CORCORAN  (as  she  keeps  knitting) 

And  her  father's,  too. 
DONAL 

What's  that  you're  saying,  woman? 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

I  said  that  'twas  from  your  side  of  the  family  that 
she  brought  the  stubbornness. 
DONAL 

How  dare  you  say  that,  and  in  my  presence,  too? 
The  devil  blast  the  one  belongin'  to  me  was  ever 
stubborn.  She's  her  mother's  daughter,  I'm  tellin' 
you. 


MATCHMAKERS  105 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Whatever  is  gentle  in  her  comes  from  me,  and  what's 
stubborn  and  contrary  comes  from  you  and  yours. 
DONAL  (in  a  rage) 

God  be  praised  and  glorified!  What's  gentle  in  her, 
will  you  tell  me?  She  that  pleases  herself  in  every  thin'. 
(To  Kitty)  I'll  knock  the  stubbornness  out  of  you, 
my  young  lady,  before  we  will  have  another  full  moon. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Indeed  and  you  won't,  then,  nor  in  ten  full  moons, 
either. 
DONAL  (as  he  walks  up  and  down  the  kitchen) 

Woman!  woman!  woman!  You  are  all  alike!  Every 
damn  one  of  you,  from  the  Queen  to  the  cockle  picker. 

KITTY 

You  have  no  right  to  marry  me  to  any  one  against 
my  will. 

DONAL 

And  is  it  the  way  I'd  be  leavin*  you  marry  some  good- 
for-nothing  idle  jackeen,  who  couldn't  buy  a  ha'porth 
of  bird  seed  for  a  linnet  or  a  finch,  let  alone  to 
keep  a  wife?  That's  wrhat  a  contrary,  headstrong, 
uncontrollable  whipster  like  you  would  do,  if  you  had 
your  own  way.  But,  be  God,  you  will  have  little  of 
your  own  way  while  I  am  here  and  above  ground. 

KITTY 

If  stubbornness  was  a  virtue,  you'd  be  a  saint,  father, 
and  they'd  have  your  picture  in  all  the  stained  glass 
windows  in  every  church  in  the  country,  like  St. 
Patrick  or  St.  Columkille,  himself. 

MRS.  CORCORAN  (laughs  at  Kitty's  answer) 

Well,  well,  well,  to  be  sure!  You  are  your  father's 
daughter,  Kitty. 


106  MATCHMAKERS 

DONAL 

She's  the  devil's  daughter,  I'm  thinkin'. 
[_A  loud  knocking  is  heard  at  the  door.     Kitty  opens  it 
and  Denis  Delahunty  enters.     He  is  dressed  in  a  new 
frock  coat  and  top  hat. 

MRS.  CORCORAN  AND  DONAL  (as  he  enters) 

Welcome,  Sir  Denis,  welcome.  (They  both  shake  hands 
irith  him)  Our  heartiest  congratulations,  and  wann 
est  respects. 

DONAL  (pointing  to  his  own  chair) 

Take  my  own  chair,  the  best  in  the  house,  that  I 
wouldn't  offer  to  the  Bishop  or  the  Lord  Lieutenant 
himself,  if  either  of  them  called  to  see  me. 
£<Sir  Denis  sits  down,  but  forgets  to  remove  his  hat, 
which  is  much  too  small,  and  tilted  to  one  side.  When 
Kitty  sees  the  strange  figure  he  cuts,  she  laughs  outright, 
at  which  her  father  gets  very  angry. 

DONAL  (to  Kitty) 

What  are  you  laughin'  at?    You  brazen  creature! 

KITTY  (laughing) 

Sir  Denis  has  on  some  one  else's  tall  hat. 

SIR  DENIS   (looks  very  bored,  removes  the  hat  and  says 
rather  sadly) 

You  are  mistaken,  my  child.  Badly  mistaken!  'Tis 
my  own  hat.  'Twas  the  only  one  in  the  town  that  I 
could  get  that  came  near  fittin'  me,  and  herself,  I  mean 
Lady  Delahunty,  wouldn't  leave  me  out  without  it. 

KITTY 

I  hope  that  you  feel  more  comfortable  than  you 
look,  Sir  Denis. 

SIR  DENIS 

To  tell  the  truth,  Kitty,  I  don't  know  whether  'tis  on 
my  head  or  my  heels  I'm  standin'.  The  devil  a  one  of 


MATCHMAKERS  107 

me  was  ever  aware  that  His  Majesty  the  King  knew 
or  thought  so  much  about  me.  If  I  was  only  made  a 
mere  knight  inself,  it  wouldn't  be  so  bad;  but  think 
of  bein'  made  a  whole  baronet  all  of  a  sudden  like 
that,  and  not  knowin'  a  bit  about  it  beforehand. 

DONAL 

You  are  the  lucky  man,  Sir  Denis,  but  don't  know  it. 

SIR  DENIS 

I  suppose  I  am,  Donal.  At  one  stroke  of  his  sword, 
so  to  speak,  the  King  of,  well,  we  might  say  of  half 
the  whole  world,  put  an  unbridgeable  gulf  between 
herself,  I  mean  Lady  Delahunty,  and  myself,  and 
the  common  people  forever  and  forever! 

KITTY  (laughing) 

May  the  Lord  forgive  him. 

DONAL 

I  suppose  you  must  present  yourself  at  Court  and 
have  tea  with  the  Queen  herself? 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Sure,  of  course,  he  must  be  presented  at  Court,  and 
the  Queen  with  a  crown  of  glitterin'  jewels  on  her 
head  will  bow  to  him,  the  same  as  if  he  was  the  Rajah 
of  Ballyslattery,  himself,  and  he  with  his  ten  thousand 
wives  and  numerous  attendants.  And  for  all  we  know, 
maybe  'tis  the  way  he'll  be  invitin'  the  whole  Royal 
Family  to  spend  the  summer  with  himself  and  Lady 
Delahunty  at  Innismore. 
SIR  DENIS 

'Tis  the  great  responsibility  that  has  been  thrust  upon 
herself,  I  mean  Lady  Delahunty,  and  myself  surely. 
But  we  have  made  no  plans,  so  far,  for  the  entertain 
ment  of  Royalty,  and  their  conspicuous  aide-de 
camps. 


108  MATCHMAKERS 

KITTY 

Aides-de-camp,  you  mean,  I  suppose,  Sir  Denis. 

DONAL 

How  dare  you  correct  Sir  Denis? 

SIR  DENIS 

However,  I  suppose  in  time  we  will  get  accustomed  to 
our  new  surroundin's  and  environment.  The  Prince 
of  Wales,  they  say,  is  hard  to  please,  but  I  have  no 
doubt  that  he  will  be  glad  to  meet  Lady  Delahunty 
and  myself. 

DONAL 

I  have  no  doubt  whatever  but  he  will  be  delighted  to 
meet  Lady  Delahunty  and  yourself.  But,  of  course, 
every  man's  trouble  appears  greater  to  himself,  than 
to  his  neighbours.  And  as  we  all  think  more  about 
ourselves  than  any  one  else,  and  as  you  have  now  par 
tially  recovered  from  the  unexpected  stroke  of  royal 
generosity,  we  might  as  well  get  down  to  business  and 
fix  up  that  match  with  Kitty  and  your  son  Finbarr. 

SIR  DENIS 

With  reference  to  the  royal  favour,  Donal,  I  might  as 
well  be  candid  and  say,  that  it  wasn't  altogether  un 
expected,  because  I  knew  somethin'  was  going  to 
happen.  I  felt  it  in  my  bones. 

KITTY 

Nonsense,  Sir  Denis;  it  must  have  been  the  rheumatics 

you  felt. 
DONAL 

That's  all  well  and  good,  but  what  about  the  match? 
KITTY 

Spare  yourself  the  trouble  of  trying  to  make  a  match 

for  me. 


MATCHMAKERS  109 

DONAL 

If  you  don't  hold  your  tongue,  I'll  be  put  to  the  bother 
of  lockin'  you  up  in  your  own  room,  and  feedin'  you 
on  promises  until  your  spirit  is  broken.  That's  the 
only  way  to  treat  a  contrary,  impudent  creature  like 
you. 

SIR  DENIS 

Let  there  be  no  crossness  on  my  account,  Donal. 

DONAL 

Well,  I  have  carefully  considered  what  we  were  dis- 
cussin'  last  week,  and  I  have  decided  to  give  three 
hundred  pounds,  twenty  acres  of  rich  loamy  soil, 
without  a  rock,  a  furze  bush,  or  a  cobble  stone  in  it, 
five  milch  cows,  six  sheep,  three  clockin'  hens  and  a 
clutch  of  ducklin's.  Provided,  of  course,  that  you 
will  give  the  same.  That  much  should  be  enough  to 
give  my  daughter  and  your  son  a  start  in  life.  And 
I  may  tell  you  that's  much  more  than  herself  and 
myself  started  out  with.  Well,  Sir  Denis,  is  it  a 
bargain  or  is  it  not? 

SIR  DENIS 

No  two  people  could  get  a  better  start,  Donal.  But  it 
isn't  in  my  power  to  come  to  any  settlement  until  her 
self,  I  mean  Lady  Delahunty,  arrives.  She  is  up  at  the 
dressmaker's,  and  should  be  here  in  a  minute  or  two. 
[Knock  at  the  door.  Kitty  opens  and  Lady  Delahunty 
enters.  She  is  dressed  in  a  new  sealskin  coat,  black 
dress,  and  white  petticoat  and  a  badly  fitting  bonnet. 
Mrs.  Corcoran  is  greatly  impressed  with  her  appearance 
and  offers  her  a  chair. 

MRS.    CORCORAN    AND    DONAL 

Congratulations,  Lady  Delahunty,  congratulations. 
Be  seated,  be  seated. 


110  MATCHMAKERS 

[Mrs.  Corcoran  draws  her  chair  near  Lady  Delahunty 
and  while  Donal  and  Sir  Denis  are  talking,  in  an 
undertone,  Mrs.  Corcoran  speaks. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

That's  a  beautiful  new  coat,  Lady  Delahunty. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY  (proudly) 

Fifty-five  guineas. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

'Tis  worth  more. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

So  Sir  Denis  says. 

MRS.  CORCORAN  (stoops  and  feels  the  edge  of  the  lace  petti 
coat,  which  is  well  exposed) 

That's  the  nicest  piece  of  lace  I  have  seen  for  many 
a  long  day. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Two  pounds  ten,  and  a  bargain  at  that.  And  three 
pounds  five  for  my  bonnet  makes  sixty  pounds,  fifteen 
shillin's.  Not  to  mention  what  I  had  to  pay  for 
Dinny's,  I  mean  Sir  Denis's  new  suit  and  tall  hat. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

You  could  build  a  house  or  buy  two  fine  horses  for 
that  much. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY  : 

Indeed,  and  you  could  then. 

DONAL 

Now  ladies,  we  must  get  our  business  finished,  and 
we  can  talk  after.  I  am  offerin'  three  hundred  pounds, 
twenty  acres  of  land,  five  cows,  six  sheep,  three  clock- 
in'  hens,  and  a  clutch  of  ducklin's,  and  want  to  know 
without  any  palaverin'  or  old  gab,  whether  or  not 
yourself  and  Sir  Denis  are  prepared  to  do  likewise. 


MATCHMAKERS  111 

KITTY 

One  would  think  that  I  was  a  cow  or  a  sheep,  myself, 
going  to  be  sold  to  the  highest  bidder.  But,  thank 
God,  I'm  neither  one  nor  the  other.  I  have  a  mind 
and  a  will  of  my  own,  and  I  may  as  well  tell  you  all 
that  I  will  only  marry  the  man  who  I  will  choose  for 
myself. 

DONAL 

Every  one  of  the  women  in  ten  generations  of  your 
family,  on  both  sides,  said  the  same,  but  they  all  did 
what  they  were  told  in  the  end,  and  you  will  do  it, 
too.  You  will  marry  the  man  that  I  will  choose  for 
you,  or  go  to  the  convent  or  America.  And  believe 
me,  'tisn't  much  of  your  own  way  you  will  get  in  either 
place. 

KITTY 

I  will  marry  the  man  I  want  to  marry  and  no  one  else. 

SIR  DENIS 

Maybe  'tis  the  way  she  is  only  teasin'  you. 

DONAL 

No,  'tis  her  mother's  contrary  spirit  that's  in  her. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Not  her  mother's,  but  her  father's,  contrary  spirit. 

DONAL 

Enough  now,  I  say.  I'm  boss  here  yet,  and  I'm  not 
goin'  to  let  my  daughter,  whom  I  have  rared,  fed, 
clad  and  educated,  and  all  that  cost  me  many  a  pound 
of  my  hard  earned  money,  have  a  privilege  that  the 
kings,  queens,  royal  princesses  and  grand  duchesses 
themselves  haven't. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Wisha,  don't  be  losin'  your  temper,  Donal. 


MATCHMAKERS 


DONAL 

'Tis  enough  to  make  any  one  lose  their  temper.  If 
that  sort  of  thing  was  permitted,  every  dacent  father 
and  mother  in  the  country  would  be  supportin'  some 
useless  son-in-law,  and  his  children,  maybe.  The  man 
who  marries  my  daughter  must  be  able  to  support  her 
as  I  have  supported  you. 

MRS.    CORCORAN 

Erra,  hold  your  tongue.  I  never  ate  a  loaf  of  idle 
bread  in  my  life,  and  always  supported  myself,  and 
earned  enough  to  support  you  as  well. 

DONAL 

I'll  have  no  more  of  this  tyranny  in  my  own  house,  I 
say. 

KITTY 

Well,  well,  for  goodness  sake!  What  is  all  this  non 
sense  about?  I  have  already  told  you  that  I  will 
marry  my  own  man  and  no  one  else. 

SIR  DENIS 

Now,  Donal,  when  we  come  to  consider  the  matter, 
perhaps,  after  all  is  said  and  done,  maybe  Kitty  is 
right.  You  know,  of  course,  that  we  all  like  to  have 
our  own  way. 

DONAL 

Do  we,  indeed?  Maybe  'tis  the  way  you  are  try  in'  to 
back  out  of  your  bargain. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

He  isn't  tryin'  to  back  out  of  anythin',  Donal.  But 
as  we  were  sayin'  to-day  when  we  heard  that  His 
Majesty,  the  King  of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland, 
Australia,  Canada,  and  India,  as  well.  —  (Looks  at  Sir 
Denis  who  is  trying  to  light  a  clay  pipe)  Ahem  !  ahem  ! 
Sir  Denis,  Sir  Denis. 


MATCHMAKERS  113 

SIR  DENIS  (bored) 
Alright,  alright. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Didn't  I  tell  you  never  to  leave  me  see  you  with  a  clay 
pipe  in  your  gob  again?  Where  are  the  cigars  I  bought 
for  you  this  morning? 

SIR  DENIS  (searches  in  his  pocket  and  pulls  out  a  cigar) 
Wisha  the  devil  a  taste  can  I  get  from  one  of  them. 
I  might  as  well  be  tryin'  to  smoke  a  piece  of  furze 
bush. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Taste  or  no  taste,  put  that  pipe  back  in  your  pocket. 
What  would  the  King  and  his  daughters  think  if  they 
saw  you  suckin'  an  old  dudeen  like  that? 
KITTY 

'Tis  little  bother  any  of  us  are  to  the  King  or  his 
daughters,  either,  I'm  thinking. 

DONAL 

I'll  put  a  padlock  on  that  mouth  of  yours,  if  you  don't 
hold  your  tongue. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Well,  as  I  was  say  in',  when  His  Majesty  so  graciously 
honoured  Sir  Dinny  and  myself,  we  held  a  long  and 
lengthy  consultation  and  came  to  the  conclusion  after 
a  good  deal  of  consideration,  that  it  might  be  as  well 
not  to  hurry  Finbarr's  marriage.  We  were  thinkin' 
of  sendin'  him  across  to  England  to  finish  his  educa 
tion:  so  that  he  may  be  able  to  take  his  place  with 
the  foreign  aristocracy. 
SIR  DENIS 

Of  course,  we  all  know  that  there  is  no  better  hurler 
in  the  whole  country,  and  no  finer  man  ever  cracked 


114  MATCHMAKERS 

a  whip,  and  no  better  man  ever  stood  behind  a  plough, 
or  turned  cows  out  of  a  meadow,  but  the  devil  a  bit 
at  all  he  knows  about  the  higher  accomplishments  of 
the  nobility. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Such  as  play  in'  cricket  and  polo,  and  drinkin*  after 
noon  tea  with  a  napkin  on  his  knee,  like  one  of  the 
gentry  themselves.  And  between  ourselves,  he  cares 
no  more  about  cigarettes  than  his  father  does  about 
cigars. 

SIR  DENIS 

Notwithstanding  all  that,  'tis  my  belief  that  after 
six  months  in  England,  he  would  be  fit  company  for 
the  best  people  in  the  land. 

DONAL 

What  the  blazes  does  he  want  learnin'  to  play  polo 
for,  when  he  must  make  his  livin'  as  a  farmer? 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Listen  now,  Donal,  and  be  reasonable.    When  — 
DONAL 

Is  it  the  way  you  want  to  break  off  the  match?  The 
truth  now,  and  nothin'  else. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

Of  course,  we  don't  want  the  match  to  be  broken  off. 
But  now  that  Finbarr  is  heir  to  a  title  —  well,  we  all 
know  that  Kitty  is  a  very  nice  and  good  girl;  but  as 
Sir  Denis  says :  *  'Tis  a  pity  that  we  should  force 
people  to  marry  against  their  will,  and  —  " 
DONAL 

The  long  and  short  of  it  is  that  my  daughter  isn't 
good  enough  for  your  damn,  flat-footed  clodhopper  of 
a  son.  Though  'twas  Dinny  himself  that  forced  the 
match  on  me. 


MATCHMAKERS  115 

LADY  DELAHUNTY  (indignantly) 
Sir  Denis,  if  you  please. 

SIR   DENIS 

Donal,  Donal,  be  reasonable  and  agreeable,  man. 
You  should  know  that  people  are  never  the  same  after 
royal  favours  have  been  conferred  on  them.  And 
though  I  am  perfectly  satisfied  with  myself  and  my 
social  standin',  such  as  it  is,  yet,  as  you  know,  we 
must  look  to  the  future  of  our  children. 

DONAL 

Well,  of  all  the  old  mollycoddlin'  bladderskites  that 
ever  I  listened  to,  you  beat  them  all. 

SIR  DENIS 

Restrain  yourself,  Donal,  and  leave  me  finish.  Well, 
I  was  about  to  say,  when  you  interrupted,  that  when 
Finbarr  has  learnt  how  to  behave  like  a  real  gentle 
man,  and  can  hold  a  cup  of  afternoon  tea  on  his  knee 
without  spillin'  it  all  over  himself,  then  he  may  aspire 
to  higher  things,  and  want  a  wife  who  can  play  the 
violin  as  well  as  the  piano,  and  speak  all  the  languages 
in  the  world  also. 

DONAL 

Wisha  bad  luck  and  misfortune  to  your  blasted  im 
pudence,  to  cast  a  reflection  on  my  daughter,  and 
she  that  can  play  twenty-one  tunes  on  the  piano,  all 
by  herself  and  from  the  music  too.  And  she  can  play 
the  typewriter  as  well,  and  that's  more  than  any  one 
belongin'  to  you  can  do.  Tis  well  you  know  there's 
no  more  music  in  the  Delahunty  family  than  there 
would  be  in  an  old  cow  or  a  mangy  jackass  that  you'd 
find  grazin'  by  the  roadside. 


116 MATCHMAKERS 

KITTY 

Tell  him  all  I  know  about  Irish,  French,  and  German 
too,  father. 
DONAL 

The  next  thing  I  will  tell  him  is  to  take  himself  and 
his  bloody  tall  hat  out  of  my  house  and  never  show 
his  face  here  again. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

I'm  surprised  at  you  to  speak  like  that  to  Sir  Denis. 
DONAL 

Sir  Denis  be  damned,  ma'am. 

SIR  DENIS  (as  he  rises  to  go  and  requests  Lady  Delahunty 
to  do  likewise) 

Lady  Delahunty,  if  you  please. 

[A  loud  knocking  is  heard  at  the  door.  Kitty  opens  and 
Constable  Dunlea  enters.  As  he  stands  by  the  door,  he 
takes  a  letter  from  his  pocket. 

CONSTABLE  (to  Sir  Denis) 

This  is  a  message  for  you,  sir,  from  the  editor  of  the 
Examiner.  The  postman  couldn't  find  you  at  home 
and  asked  me  to  deliver  it,  as  he  knew  I  was  coming 
here  to-night. 

[Sir  Denis  excitedly  opens  the  letter  and  Lady  Dela 
hunty  looks  on  with  apparent  satisfaction,  as  she  thinks 
it  is  a  personal  letter  of  congratulation  for  Sir  Denis. 
Sir  Denis  borrows  Mrs.  Corcoran  s  spectacles  and  reads 
the  letter  hurriedly  and  looks  very  crestfallen. 

LADY  DELAHUNTY  (with  a  look  of  surprise) 
What's  the  matter,  Sir  Denis? 

SIR    DENIS 

What  isn't  the  matter  would  be  a  better  question. 
'Twas  a  mistake,  Anastatia,  a  sad  and  sorry  mistake! 


MATCHMAKERS  117 

LADY    DELAHUNTY 

What's  a  mistake? 

SIR    DENIS 

Ourselves!  I  mean  we  weren't  knighted  at  all.  The 
editor  of  the  Examiner  sends  his  personal  regrets  and 
apology  for  printin'  an  unofficial  telegram  that  was 
sent  by  some  malicious  person  about  myself  being 
created  a  baronet. 

LADY  DELAHUNTY    (grabs   the  letter  and   spectacles.     Ad 
justs  the  spectacles  on  her  nose  and  reads.     Swoons  and 
falls  into  Sir  Denis's  arms) 
The  saints  protect  us  all !    'Tis  the  truth,  surely ! 

MRS.  CORCORAN    (gets   a  glass   of  water   and  gives   it   to 
Lady  Delahunty) 

Here,  now,  take  this,  and  you  will  be  soon  all  right 
again. 

LADY  DELAHUNTY  (as  she  recovers,  turns  to  Kitty) 

I  suppose  'twas  at  your  instigation  that  all  this  hap 
pened.  You  impudent,  prevaricatin',  philanderin' 
galavanter.  Now  we  will  be  the  laughin'  stock  of 
the  whole  country.  If  Sir  Denis  - 

DONAL 

Plain  Denis,  if  you  please,  ma'am. 

LADY  DELAHUNTY  (to  her  husband) 

If  you  had  only  the  good  sense  of  refusin'  the  title 
itself,  but  - 

SIR    DENIS 

We'll  never  be  able  to  live  down  the  shame  and  dis 
grace  of  it,  Lady  Delahunty. 

DONAL 

Plain  Statia  Delahunty,  if  you  please. 

LADY    DELAHUNTY   (to  Kitty) 

If  you  were  worth  the  weight  of  yourself  in  gold  and 


118  MATCHMAKERS 

could  sing  like  a  lark,  I  wouldn't  give  Finbarr  to  you 
now. 

KITTY 

I  never  asked  for  him,  ma'am.  I  told  you  all  that  I 
would  marry  only  my  own  man,  and  here  he  is. 
(Calls  Constable  Dunlea  to  her  side  and  takes  his  arm) 
We  are  to  be  married  next  month,  and  then  what 
need  I  care  about  titles  or  the  aristocracy  when  I  will 
have  himself  to  support  and  protect  me  while  he  lives, 
and  his  pension  if  he  should  die,  and  the  law  of  the 
land  at  my  back  all  the  time. 


CURTAIN 


RETRIBUTION 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 


CHARACTERS 

PATCHA  CREMIN  (nicknamed  NAPOLEON)  . . .  A   carpenter 
NEDSEES  BROPHY  (nicknamed  BOULANGER)  .  A  mason 
DANNUX  TOUHY  (nicknamed  THE  DUKE  OF 

WELLINGTON) A  mason 

MRS.   FENNESSEY A  lodging- 

house  keeper 


RETRIBUTION 

A  COMEDY  IN  ONE  ACT 

Scene:  Bedroom  in  a  country  lodging  house.  There  is 
one  narrow  bed  and  two  chairs  in  the  room,  and  a  picture 
of  Robert  Emmet  hangs  on  the  wall.  Patcha  Cremin  is 
lying  in  bed  with  his  head  covered.  A  loud  knocking  is 
heard  at  the  door. 

PATCHA  (startled,  uncovers  his  head  and  looks  about  him. 

The  knocking  continues) 

Who's  there?     (Thinking  for   a  moment  that  he  is  at 

home  and  that  his  wife  is  calling)      Oh,  is  that  you, 

Ellie? 
MRS.  FENNESSEY  (from  without) 

It  is  not  Ellie,  then. 
PATCHA  (not  yet  properly  awake) 

And  who  is  it? 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Tis  me. 
PATCHA  (angrily) 

And  who  the  blazes  are  you? 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Mrs.  Fennessey,  your  landlady. 

PATCHA 

Oh,  yes!  Of  course,  Mrs.  Fennessey,  excuse  me, 
ma'am.  I  thought  I  was  at  home  and  that  my  wife 
was  callin'  me  to  get  up  to  go  to  work. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Are  you  in  bed  yet? 


124  RETRIBUTION 


PATCHA 

I  am,  ma'am. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

When  are  you  going  to  get  up? 
PATCHA 
Why? 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

I  want  to  say  a  few  words  to  you. 

PATCHA 

I'm  not  feelin'  too  well,  at  all,  to-day,  and  don't 
know  when  I'll  be  able  to  get  up,  ma'am. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Don't  you,  indeed? 

PATCHA 

No,  I  don't,  ma'am. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Well  then,  if  you're  in  bed  and  covered  up,  may  I 

come  in? 
PATCHA  (draws  the  clothes  about  him) 

You  can,  ma'am. 
MRS.  FENNESSEY   (enters,  stands  in  front  of  the  bed  and 

looks  at  Patcha) 

And  might  I  ask  what's  the  matter  with  you? 
PATCHA 

Oh,  I  don't  exactly  know,  at  all.     I  have  a  queer 

shaky  feelin'  runnin'  down  the  spine   and   all   over 

me.     It  must  be  the  'fluenza  or  maybe  appendicitis, 

I'm  thinkin'. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Well,  if  that's  the  case,  you'll  get  up  this  very  instant 
and  clear  out  of  my  house,  for  I  don't  want  a  sick 
man  on  my  hands.  And  you  that  didn't  pay  me  a 
farthin'  of  rent  for  this  last  six  weeks. 


RETRIBUTION  125 


PATCHA 

Didn't  I  promise  to  pay  you  a  week  over  and  above 
when  I'd  get  a  job?  And  this  is  the  gratitute  you're 
showin'  me  now  for  my  kindness. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

What  a  lot  of  good  your  promises  would  do  for  any 
one.    I  want  my  rent,  and  you  can  keep  your  promises. 
PATCHA 

Is  it  the  way  you'd  be  after  turnin'  a  sick  man  from 
your  door  a  cold  freezin'  day  like  this?  And  the  snow 
thirty  inches  thick  on  the  Galtee  Mountains,  and  the 
air  itself  nearly  frozen  hard. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

'Tis  you're  the  nice  sick  man,  indeed,  with  muscles 
on  you  like  a  statue  or  a  prize  fighter,  and  an  appe 
tite  like  an  elephant.  God  knows  then,  you  should 
be  ashamed  of  yourself  for  nearly  eating  me  out  of 
house  and  home,  and  I  a  poor  widow  dependin'  on 
the  likes  of  you  for  a  livin.'  'Tis  I  that  wouldn't  like 
to  be  the  mother  of  a  man  such  as  yourself,  God 
forgive  you! 
PATCHA 

I'm  surprised  at  a  dacent  woman  like  you,  Mrs.  Fen- 
nessey,  to  stand  there  abusin'  me  for  my  misfortune 
instead  of  bringin'  me  up  a  good  warm  breakfast  to 
nourish  my  wastin'  frame,  and  encourage  the  good 
spirits  to  come  back  to  my  heart. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

I'm  sick  and  tired  of  listenin'  to  you  and  your  excuses, 
but  I'm  not  goin'  to  listen  to  them  any  longer.  So 
pack  up  and  get  out,  or  if  you  don't  I'll  get  my  brother 
Mike  to  fling  you  out,  and  believe  me  he  won't  take 
long  to  do  it,  either. 


126  RETRIBUTION 


PATCHA 

You're  losin'  all  your  dacency,  Mrs.  Fennessey. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Thank  God  for  it,  if  I  am  then!    But  I'm  gettin'  back 
my  good  sense,  and  I  won't  talk  or  argue  any  more 
with  you. 
PATCHA 

You  should  feel  ashamed  of  yourself,  Mrs.  Fennessey. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Indeed  then,  I  should,  for  puttin'  up  with  the  likes  of 
you.  You've  got  to  be  out  of  this  house  before  twelve 
o'clock  to-morrow  and  remember  I  mean  what  I  say. 
^She  walks  out  and  slams  the  door.  Patcha  sits  up  in 
bed,  rearranges  the  bedclothes,  then  places  his  hand  under 
his  chin,  and  wrinkles  his  brow.  Remains  that  way 
until  he  is  disturbed  by  a  knock  at  the  door 

MRS.  FENNESSEY  (opens,  and  holds  the  door  ajar) 
There's  a  gentleman  wants  to  see  you. 

PATCHA 

Who  is  he?  What  is  he  like,  and  where  does  he  come 
from? 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

How  do  I  know  where  he  comes  from?  He  wanted  to 
know  if  Napoleon  lived  here  and  I  told  him  there  was 
no  one  livin'  here  at  present  but  one  Patcha  Cremin. 
Sure,  that's  who  I  mean,  says  he.  Are  you  Napoleon? 
PATCHA 

Yes,  I'm  Napoleon. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Glory  be  to  the  Lord!    What  a  purty  name  they  got 
for  you! 
PATCHA 

Did  he  say  who  he  was? 


RETRIBUTION  127 


MRS.    FENNESSEY 

He  said  he  was  an  old  friend  of  yours. 
PATCHA 

I  wonder  can  it  be  the  Duke  of  Wellington?    Dannux 
Touhy,  I  mean. 

MRS.    FENNESSEY 

Touhy!    Touhy!     That's  the  name.     Will  I  send  him 
up? 

PATCHA 

Do  if  you  please,  ma'am. 

[Mrs.  Fennessey  leaves  the  room,  and  in  a  short  time 

Dannux  Touhy  enters. 
DANNUX  (as  he  shakes  hands  with  Patcha) 

Well,  well!    'Tis  real  glad  that  I  am  to  see  you.    Sure 

I  didn't  expect  to  find  my  old  friend  Napoleon  in  the 

town  of  Ballinflask  this  blessed  day.    And  I've  heard 

that  Boulanger  is  here  also.    Is  that  so? 
PATCHA 

It  is  so,  then.    And  he'll  be  as  surprised  as  myself  to 

find  the  Duke  of  Wellington  here  before  him  when  he 

arrives. 
DANNUX 

What  makes  you  be  in  bed  at  this  hour  of  the  day?    Is 

it  the  way  that  you're  sick? 
PATCHA 

Not  in  the  body,  thank  God,  but  in  the  mind  and 

heart. 
DANNUX 

And  why  don't  you  get  up  and  dress  yourself,  and 

go  for  a  good  long  country  walk? 
PATCHA 

I  can't. 


128  RETRIBUTION 


DANNUX 

Why? 

PATCHA 

Sit  down  and  I'll  tell  you.  (Dannux  sits  on  a  chair) 
Last  night  as  I  was  goin'  to  sleep,  a  knock  came  to  the 
door,  and  when  I  said:  "Who's  there?"  a  voice 
answered  back  and  said:  "Boulanger."  "Come  in," 
says  I.  And  lo  and  behold,  who  should  walk  in  the 
door  but  Nedsers  Brophy,  himself.  And  of  course, 
he  had  the  usual  poor  mouth.  He  couldn't  get  a  job 
in  the  town  because  he  is  such  a  poor  mechanic  no  one 
would  be  bothered  with  him. 

DANNUX 

I'm  not  surprised  at  it.  Sure  he  was  never  more  than 
a  botch  at  his  best. 

PATCHA 

Well,  he  said,  he  hadn't  a  penny  in  his  pocket,  or  the 
price  of  a  night's  lodgin';  so  I  invited  him  to  sleep 
with  me  in  this  bit  of  a  bed.  And  of  course,  he  ac 
cepted.  The  same  man  never  refused  anythin'  he 
could  get  for  nothin'  in  his  life. 

DANNUX 

I  know  him  of  old,  the  good-for-nothin'  humbug. 

PATCHA 

The  bed  as  you  can  see  isn't  very  large,  so  when  he 
turned  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  I  fell  out  on  the 
floor,  and  when  I  turned  he  fell  out.  And  there  we 
were,  fallin'  in  and  fallin'  out  like  two  drunken  sailors 
all  night  long.  And  when  mornin'  came,  every  bone 
in  my  body  was  as  sore  as  a  carbuncle. 

DANNUX 

And  sure  'tis  myself  that  didn't  close  an  eye  or  stretch 
my  limbs  upon  a  bed  at  all  last  night,  or  eat  a  bit  for 


RETRIBUTION  129 


two  long  days,  but  kept  walkin'  the  roads  until  I 
struck  this  town  at  daybreak. 
PATCHA 

God  help  us  all! 

DANNUX 

And  where's  Boulanger  now,  might  I  ask? 

PATCHA 

He's  gone  out  on  a  little  message  for  me.  He  should 
be  here  any  minute. 

DANNUX 

I  suppose  there's  no  use  askin'  you  for  that  one  pound 
two  and  sixpence  that  you  borrowed  from  my  brother, 
Lord  Pebble,  some  time  ago.  I'm  after  gettin'  a  job 
from  the  parish  priest  to  set  a  range  in  his  kitchen, 
but  I  haven't  either  a  trowel  or  a  hammer,  and  unless 
I  can  raise  the  price  of  them,  I'll  lose  the  contract. 

PATCHA 

And  when  will  you  get  paid? 
DANNUX 

The  instant  the  job  is  finished. 
PATCHA 

How  much  will  the  tools  cost? 

DANNUX 

Three  shillin's,  at  least. 
PATCHA 

I  don't  know  if  I  could  spare  that  amount,  but  I 
might  be  able  to  give  you  a  shillin'  when  Boulanger 
comes  back. 

DANNUX 

Was  it  to  the  pawnshop  you  sent  him? 
PATCHA 

'Twas  indeed,  then.  And  with  the  only  suit  of  clothes 
I  had  too.  We  were  both  dead  broke,  and  my  land- 


130  RETRIBUTION 


lady  stopped  the  grub  yesterday  mornin'.  And  I 
haven't  broken  my  fast  since.  So  here  I  am  now  with 
out  a  bit  in  the  world  but  the  shirt  on  my  back. 

DANNUX 

The  birds  of  the  air  or  the  fish  in  the  sea  couldn't  be 
worse  off,  themselves.  Why  didn't  you  make  Bou- 
langer  stay  in  bed  and  pawn  his  clothes  instead  of 
your  own,  you  fool? 

PATCHA 

That  would  be  the  devil's  own  strange  way  to  enter 
tain  your  guest,  wouldn't  it? 

DANNUX 

That's  the  queerest  story  I  ever  heard. 

PATCHA 

Sure  we  must  get  a  bit  to  eat  somehow.    'Tis  famished 

I  am  with  the  hunger,  as  it  is. 

\\Brophy  staggers  into  the  room  slightly  intoxicated. 

NEDSERS  (putting  out  his  hand  to  Dannux) 

Well,  well,  well!  How's  my  old  pal  Wellington? 
Who'd  ever  think  of  finding  you  here !  (As  they  shake 
hands)  There  are  no  friends  like  the  old  ones.  The 
world  is  a  small  place  after  all.  Twas  in  Cork  we 
met  the  last  time  and  in  Fermoy  before  that. 

DANNUX 

Ton  my  word  but  I  believe  you're  right. 

PATCHA  (excitedly,  to  Nedsers) 

Where's  the  food  I  sent  you  for? 

NEDSERS  (staggers  to  the  side  of  the  bed  and  sits  down) 
Wait  and  I'll  tell  you  what  happened  to  me.  All  I 
got  on  your  old  suit  of  clothes  was  five  shillin's,  and 
if  you  don't  believe  me  look  at  the  ticket.  (Hands 
ticket)  Well,  I  went  into  a  pub  to  get  a  drop  of  grog, 
and  asked  for  a  half  shot  of  the  best,  put  the  five  bob 


RETRIBUTION  131 


on  the  counter,  got  my  drink,  put  the  change  in  my 
pocket,  and  lo  and  behold,  when  I  went  to  look  for  it 
again,  I  couldn't  find  a  trace  of  it  high  or  low.  Only 
for  that  I'd  have  brought  you  somethin'  to  eat. 
There's  no  use  cry  in'  over  spilt  milk,  is  there,  Dannux? 
Wellington,  I  should  have  said.  Well,  how  are  you, 
anyway?  JTis  a  long  time  since  we  worked  together. 
Isn't  it? 
PATCHA  (catching  him  by  the  back  of  the  neck) 

Glory  be  to  the  Lord!  Is  it  the  way  you  are  takin' 
leave  of  your  senses?  There's  my  only  suit  of  clothes 
in  pawn,  and  the  money  you  raised  on  them  gone,  and 
you  here  with  your  belly  full  of  dirty  drink,  and  I  with 
my  belly  empty  and  my  guts  rattlin'  in  want  of  food. 
'Tis  you  that  should  feel  ashamed  of  yourself  to  have 
me  in  such  a  condition  and  all  on  your  account  too. 

NEDSERS 

What  should  I  feel  ashamed  about?    Didn't  I  do  my 
best?     Blame  the  bla'gard  who  stole  the  money  out 
of  my  pocket.     What  old  talk  you  have.     Didn't  I 
disgrace  myself  by  goin'  into  a  pawnshop  for  you? 
PATCHA 

What  am  I  to  do  at  all! 

DANNUX 

'Tis  a  bad  way  to  be  in,  surely.  But  I  think  I  can 
see  a  way  out  of  the  difficulty. 

NEDSERS 

Good  old  Wellington!    Good  old  Wellington!     That's 
what  your  namesake  said  before  he  put  the  comether 
on  Napoleon.     What  say,  Patcha? 
PATCHA 

Don't  be  botherin'  me.  I'm  more  than  disgusted  with 
you. 


132  RETRIBUTION 


DANNUX 

Now,  there  must  be  no  quarrelin'.  We  are  all  friends 
and  we  must  stand  by,  and  help  each  other,  because 
there  is  only  the  loan  of  ourselves  in  the  world.  I 
have  a  job  to  go  to,  but  I  have  no  tools  to  work  with. 
And  I  haven't  a  bit  on  my  person  that  would  be  taken 
in  the  pawn,  so  I  propose  that  Boulanger  will  give 
me  his  boots  and  that  I  will  pawn  them,  and  buy  the 
tools  I  want.  Then  I  will  go  to  work,  and  when  the 
job,  which  will  only  take  me  a  few  hours,  is  finished, 
I'll  share  the  one  pound  one  that  his  reverence  said 
he'd  give  me.  And  as  he  said  himself,  'twas  little 
enough,  but  as  times  were  bad  he  couldn't  afford 
any  more. 
PATCHA 

'Twas  the  Lord  Himself  that  sent  you  in  the  door  to 
us! 

NEDSERS 

Nothin'  could  be  fairer.    But  look  at  my  old  boots,  you 

wouldn't  get  a  lump  of  candy  from  a  rag  man  for 

them. 
PATCHA 

But  why  not  give  him  your  coat  and  vest?     You'd 

easily  get  eight  or  nine  shillin's  on  them  and  that 

much  would  buy  the  tools  and  get  us  all  a  bite  to  eat 

as  well. 
NEDSERS  (taking  off  his  coat  and  vest) 

Enough  said !    Enough  said ! 
DANNUX  (as  he  wraps  them  up  in  an  old  newspaper) 

I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  I'd  get  ten  shillin's  on  them. 

And  sure  they  can  be  released  again  as  soon  as  I  get 

paid  for  the  job. 


RETRIBUTION  133 


NEDSERS 

That's  right,  that's  the  way  I  like  to  hear  a  man 
talkin'. 

DANNUX  (as  he  takes  the  laces  from  Patchas  boots  lying 
near  the  bed,  and  ties  up  the  parcel) 
What  else  are  we  here  for,  but  to  be  a  help  and  a  com 
fort  to  each  other?  Sure  'tis  by  each  other  we  live. 
(Places  the  parcel  under  his  arm,  puts  on  his  hat  and 
walks  towards  the  door.  Looks  from  one  to  the  other) 
Good-by,  Napoleon  —  Good-by,  Boulanger.  May  God 
bless  you  both. 

PATCHA 

What's  that  I  hear?    Aren't  you  comin'  back  with  the 
money  and  the  bit  to  eat  for  us? 

DANNUX 

Of  course  I  am.     I  only  mean  good-by  for  the  time 
I'll  be  away. 

[Exit  Dannux.     After  he  has  gone  Nedsers  looks  soberly 
at  Patcha. 

NEDSERS 

Only  for  the  time  he'll  be  away ! 
PATCHA 

What's  the  matter  with  you,  at  all? 

NEDSERS 

I  think  I  did  a  foolish  thing. 

PATCHA 

What's  that  you're  sayin',  I  say? 

NEDSERS 

I  did  a  foolish  thing!     I  know  I  did.     But  that's  just 
like   me.     I   brought   my   dacent  impulses  from   my 
mother.    God  forgive  her ! 
PATCHA 

Is  it  the  way  you  are  afraid  he  won't  return? 


134  RETRIBUTION 

NEDSERS 

I'm  sure  of  it.  I  know  he'll  never  return.  He's  the 
biggest  bloody  liar  in  the  whole  country  and  the 
biggest  rogue  too. 

PATCHA  (as  he  jumps  out  of  bed  with  the  blanket  around 
him) 

The  saints  and  angels  protect  us  all!  Sure  I  forgot 
that  the  parish  priest  is  away  in  England  on  his  vaca 
tion.  And  we  are  to  be  flung  out  on  the  roadside 
to-morrow,  and  in  our  shirts  too! 


CURTAIN 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

AN  INITIAL  FINlf  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED    FOR    FAILURE  TO    RETURN 
TmS    BOOK    ON    THE    DATE   DUE.    THE   PENALTY 

wTLl  INCREASE  TO  so  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 

DAY     AND     TO     $1.OO     ON     THE    SEVENTH     DAY 

OVERDU>  4934= 


521275 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


